Guilt is a feeling you get when you believe you've done something wrong, according to psychologist Doris Jeanette. Some people try to provoke guilty feelings in order to manipulate others. The appropriate response when you have hurt someone is to apologize and not repeat the behavior; however apologizing for being yourself or for committing imaginary wrongs is denigrating and fruitless. If you take steps to stop apologizing when you've done nothing wrong, you'll eliminate that guilt and put a stop to the manipulation.
Step 1
Start by noticing how often you apologize. Carry a small notebook and take a moment to jot down every time you say you're sorry. When time permits, expand on the entry and include the circumstances, how you felt and what reaction you received. You may begin to see patterns and who is trying to lay unwarranted guilt on you in order to manipulate you.
Step 2
Take a moment to do a few deep breathing exercises before extending an apology. Quickly inventory your behavior. If you can't think of anything you did wrong, then refrain from saying you're sorry. Apologizing becomes habitual and can be stopped if you think about your intent before you say it.
Step 3
Notice how you feel when you apologize. If you feel better after extending an apology, then it probably was appropriate. If you feel worse about yourself and look for acceptance from the person to whom you apologized, then you may be undermining your own self-esteem and giving the other person power over how you feel about yourself.
Step 4
Boost your own self-esteem by making a list of all your good qualities. Consider your volunteer work, how you help family and friends in need, and how you care about the world, other people, animals or children.
Step 5
Join a self-help group such as Emotions Anonymous to learn how to love yourself and decrease your need for approval from others. With time, you can learn how to set boundaries and refuse to apologize when it's not warranted.
Tips and Warnings
- Surround yourself with people who like you they way you are and do not expect you to cater to their wishes all the time. Some people are manipulators and the less time you spend with them, the easier it will be to see how you fell into their trap. Maintain as much distance as possible from those people who make you feel unworthy.
- Realize that you may be depressed and need professional help. According to psychologist Joseph Carver, if you feel so bad about yourself that you cannot stop apologizing even when you're conscious of it, you may need to see a therapist or talk to your doctor about your symptoms. Both talk therapy and medication may be needed before your disease becomes more serious and you hurt yourself in more serious ways.
Things You'll Need
- Notebook
- Support group
- New friends
- Therapy
- Medication
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