While celebrities and politicians make headlines for their infidelities, ordinary people deal with unfaithful spouses in private everyday. Bradley University psychologist David Schmidt told "USA Today" that an estimated 25 percent of men cheat in a first marriage and 15 percent of women will be unfaithful. But infidelity does not always mean an end to marriage. Some spouses use the affair as a starting point to rebuild the marriage.
Step 1
Consult a marriage counselor. Marriage therapy provides a neutral third party who can guide you through the steps of rebuilding your marriage. You may need to see the counselor both individually and as a couple. According to MayoClinic.com, a counselor can help you identify the issues that led to the affair and work to prevent these issues from causing problems in the future.
Step 2
Rebuild trust. Beyond the sexual betrayal exhibited by an affair, infidelity represents a loss of trust. Dr. Hilary Rich and Dr. Helaina Kravitz, authors of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Marriage," suggest the partner who was unfaithful be especially diligent about being on time for meetings with his spouse, letting the spouse know details about his daily schedule and staying in frequent touch when traveling out of town. Over time, this behavior can help rebuild trust.
Step 3
Accept responsibility. The spouse who was unfaithful must be willing to admit what she did was wrong. Avoid blaming your spouse for your infidelity. During counseling, you may have the opportunity to talk about things your spouse did or did not do that made an affair easier for you, but the ultimate responsibility lies with the partner who broke her marriage vows.
Step 4
Plan activities that bring you closer together. This could be a date night, shared hobbies or even a second honeymoon. Your counselor will give you exercises to work on better communication, but simply spending time together, talking and getting reacquainted can help you remember why you married in the first place.
Step 5
Set common goals. MayoClinic.com points out that if you are both committed to making your marriage work, you've taken the first step toward becoming true partners again. Other common goals include raising your children and planning a future together. Focusing on these goals reminds you of all you have to gain by staying together.
References
- USA Today: Mistake vs Repeat Affair
- "The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Marriage"; Hilary Rich, MD and Helaina Lax Kravitz, MD; 2001
- MayoClinic.com: Mending Your Marriage After An Affair
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