Watching your daughter suffer at the hands of an abuser is a painful experience for any parent and one that can deeply affect your relationship. Psychologist John M. Carver says that the psychological trauma that a victim encounters in an abusive relationship presents you with a challenging situation as you attempt to help your daughter, because, he says, “emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation.” She may consider the repercussions for leaving to be so terrifying that she may withdraw from all units of support, defend her abuser’s actions and direct her anger and resentment at you.
Step 1
Encourage her to spend time with you and her family and friends. The American Psychological Association says that an abuser controls his victim by isolating her, both physically and socially, from any network of support. Talk to her, privately, about your concerns. The Federal Government Source for Women’s Health Information suggests that you try to help her grasp the serious nature of abuse and remind her that the maltreatment isn’t her fault. Explain to her that you’re concerned for her safety and well-being. Don’t allow her to excuse her abuser’s behavior or blame herself. Reassure her of her strengths and remind her of the confidence you have in her.
Step 2
Resist the impulse to interject yourself in her relationship. Allow her to regain control of her own life and take the necessary steps. As much as you may want to physically remove her from the abusive relationship, you need to allow her to recognize what she needs to do in the situation. Support her in the process of recognizing the realities of the abuse. Psychotherapist Gudrun Frerichs says you shouldn’t try to repair the relationship or your daughter. Victims, she says, “don’t come to you to FIX IT.”
Step 3
Listen to her and refrain from judging her. Show her that you’re willing to listen to her. Make her feel comfortable in knowing that she can confide in you when she’s ready. Frerichs says that victims “need to tell someone their story” and feel secure in the fact that someone is there to hear them express their emotions. Don’t give your daughter advice about what she needs to do or what she’s failing to do. The Federal Government Source for Women’s Health Information explains that if she feels as though she’s being blamed or judged, shame may prevent her from confiding in you.
Step 4
Give her information. Educate yourself on the short-term and long-term consequences of abuse so that you can help her understand the severity of the situation. The Federal Government Source for Women’s Health Information recommends that you learn about emergency protection orders, the steps and documentation she will need for obtaining a restraining order and other measures of protection that the law provides should she decide to leave her abuser. Encourage her to go to see a therapist or join a support group. Sometimes, victims of abuse may feel more comfortable discussing their issues with a trained professional or a group of women who have encountered some type of abuse.
Step 5
Assure her of your enduring support. Remind your daughter that no matter what she chooses to do, you will remain by her side. Remember that leaving her abuser can be a terrifying time for her. She’s going to need your support and your strength to help her through this time.
Tips and Warnings
- Always take the abuse seriously. If you're ever afraid of the physical safety of your daughter, call the police immediately. Abusers maintain control by manipulating their victims and these victims often suffer from fear, depression and confusion, which may prevent them from leaving. Be sensitive to the victim's mental and physical state when you are trying to help.
References
- Counselling Resource: Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
- The Federal Government Source for Women’s Health Information: Violence Against Women: How to Help a Friend Who Is Being Abused
- Psychology Today: The Right To a Healthy Relationship
- Psychology Today: What's the Problem With Problem Partners?
- Self Growth: What To Do When Someone Discloses Sexual Abuse
Member Comments