How To Overcome Possessiveness And Jealousy When Dating

Whether you're in the early stages of dating or you've been in a committed relationship for a long time, overcoming jealousy and possessiveness can be difficult. If you are someone who has suffered from chronically low self-esteem or has been hurt in previous relationships, feelings of jealousy or possessiveness can sometimes spiral out of your control. However, you don't need to feel like you are a slave to these feelings. If your feelings have no root in reality, there are steps you can take to help make them more manageable and perhaps even avoidable.

Step 1

Examine why you feel threatened. Are your feelings of jealousy and possessiveness unrealistic, perhaps stemming from a reaction to previous hurts, or do you find that your partner gives you just cause to feel the way you do? If a partner is consistently coming home late from work without a plausible excuse or hiding the phone when it rings, you may have a reason to feel jealous or insecure. According to Dr. Judith Kuriansky in "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating," if your date is fostering these feelings by comparing you to previous relationships, for example, it's time to point out how that behavior affects your feelings. However, if you feel threatened when your partner merely talks to someone of the opposite sex, you have to try to look at these feelings in as objective a light as possible. Ask a trusted friend for an opinion or seek the advice of a therapist if necessary.

Step 2

Focus on your feelings. If you've honestly examined your relationship and you've discovered no real cause for the way you feel, you should realize that you run the risk of alienating your partner by continuing to react in a jealous or possessive manner. According to Kuriansky, instead of attacking your partner for reasons that don't actually exist, take a step back and try to work on your self-esteem. Oftentimes, people who experience jealousy isolate themselves from others, preferring to make a cocoon with their partner to prevent contact with any potential threats. Do something without your partner. See your friends, do something to pamper yourself, join a gym; do anything that gives you some alone time to be mentally and physically separate from your partner and increases your feelings of self-worth.

Step 3

Talk to your partner. If you don't like the partner's behavior because it is provoking your feelings of jealousy, let him or her know. According to psychotherapist Paul A. Hauck in his book "Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness," if you're in a relationship with someone who's a natural flirt, he or she may not be aware of how those actions affect you. Let your partner know that you feel uncomfortable during the flirting and ask for a change in this behavior. If your feelings are unrealistic, don't be afraid to be honest with your partner and ask for reassurance. For example, you could let a partner know that you've been hurt in a prior relationship and you need a little extra reassurance.