For parents, a child's seemingly sudden change from an overall pleasant and cooperative family member to an actively defiant teenager can cause doubt, frustration and exhaustion. For your teen, adolescence is a time of achieving independence and moving into adulthood. This, along with the physical changes and hormonal fluctuations associated with puberty, can make her seem self-absorbed and more concerned with her peers than her parents. However, whether your teen is being a normal teen or more difficult than most, there are ways to get through and possibly enjoy the process of your child becoming an adult.
Step 1
Prepare for your teen's transition in advance. Read about the expected physical and emotional changes associated with adolescence. Talk with parents of successful young adults and ask for tips on weathering the adolescent storm. Seek support from parents who still have teenagers at home. What you define as "difficult" might be normal in a teen. Your pediatrician or health care provider can often supply information on what constitutes "normal" behavior when it comes to adolescence.
Step 2
Adjust your parenting style as necessary. Teens naturally begin to develop ideas and opinions of their own that might not conform to yours. Kids Health recommends parents of teenagers periodically review whether they are exerting too much control. For instance, a teen's refusal to wear a shirt you've chosen for a visit to grandma's house likely has less to do with defiance and more to do with his need to establish his own identity.
Step 3
Define and discuss your rules, goals and expectations clearly with your teen. However, keep rules reasonable. An appropriate bedtime for an 8-year-old is likely earlier than that for a 14-year-old. Other situations might change with age, such as curfew times, but remain firm regarding issues not open for discussion. While parents can likely sympathize with the confusion and honest mistakes that often mark adolescence, your teen benefits when you establish and demand respect for rules concerning school attendance, curfew and health or safety issues.
Step 4
Write down the rules and the consequences to breaking them. Give your teen a chance to review them and post them in an obvious spot. Comparable to the policy and protocol manuals employers publish, such documentation might not decrease grumbling, but pointing at the list may help deescalate an argument when your teen creeps in 30 minutes after curfew.
Step 5
Remain calm and do not let a moment of discipline become an angry argument when talking with your teen about an act of defiance, inappropriate attitude or other concerns. Avoid using phrases or words that diminish her sense of worth. For instance, if she did not clean the kitchen, it means she did not complete her chores--not that she is lazy or selfish. If necessary, take a "time out" and defuse your own emotions before addressing issues with your teen.
Step 6
Ask for help when necessary. Very drastic or long-lasting changes in personality or behavior in your teen might signal real trouble, according to Kids Health. Signs to watch for include extreme changes in weight, sudden changes in friends, jokes about suicide and any other inappropriate behavior that lasts more then six weeks. Your family physician can help you find appropriate resources for help in your community.
