There are plenty of times where talking about yourself is appropriate. However, you may find yourself dominating conversations and harming relationships. What comes out of the mouth is a reflection of what’s on the inside. What comes out in your conversation can be a reflection of your thought process. Central to not talking excessively about yourself is not thinking excessively about yourself. The most common cultural mandate is to love yourself before you love others, or to spend the majority of your time thinking about yourself to develop “self esteem.” Edward T. Welch, Ph.D., says, “That’s the paradox of self-esteem. Low self-esteem usually means that I think too highly of myself. I’m too self-involved ...” This means stop talking about yourself; you need to be less self-involved.
Limiting Self
Step 1
Take inventory of self-focused thoughts. It can be helpful to get a journal or small notepad to tally every time you have a self-focused thought
Step 2
Take inventory of thoughts focused on others. Once again, recording your findings in a journal throughout the day can help with making accurate observations.
Step 3
Compare the results of the two lists. This exercise is beneficial because it teaches you to recognize when your thoughts are self-focused.
Step 4
Practice thinking, and therefore speaking, about things other than yourself. Now that you know how to be alert for excessive self-thought, you can ensure it doesn’t turn into excessive talking.
Step 5
Ask questions about others during conversation. Learn the art of asking open-ended questions. Open-ended questions cannot be answered with a “yes” or “no,” thus encouraging a conversation.
Step 6
Find activities in your life that are not self-focused. For example, you can serve at a food bank or volunteer with a nonprofit organization. This provides fodder for conversation that is not self-based, but based on others.
Step 7
Find a friend who will help you stay accountable to your goals. A good candidate for this task is someone who is honest, cares about you and isn’t afraid to let you know when you’re falling back into old patterns.
Tips and Warnings
- Learning to stop talking about yourself doesn’t mean you never think of yourself or take care of yourself. The goal is to find a healthy balance.
References
- “When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man”; Edward T. Welch; 1997
- CBS News: Self-Esteem: Who Needs It?
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