Transforming your child's behavior requires more than simply insisting that she change. The dynamic between yourself and your daughter is fluid. Her behavior is heavily influenced by your expectations and the consequences you attach to her actions. She also draws on the example you set for her. Because transforming behavior is a joint effort, your child will need your help to succeed. By working together, you can help your daughter transform her troubling behaviors into healthful, productive behaviors.
Step 1
Make your expectations clear to your child. According to parenting author Glenn I. Latham, parents often mistake disobedience for misunderstanding. For example, you might feel frustration with your child because he comes home late--by your standards--every evening. However, if you have not discussed your expectations with your son, he might not realize you want him home at a certain time, assuming his curfew is the same as his peers. Talk with your child about the rules of your home and the consequences of not following them. The both of you need to understand each other before you insist he change his behavior.
Step 2
Praise the behaviors you want your child to repeat. Children crave attention from their parents and are often willing to take it in whatever form available, warns Latham. Your daughter would prefer being reprimanded to being ignored. Furthermore, she will return to behaviors such as teasing or destructiveness as long as it gets her the results she desires, which is your attention. Your daughter needs positive reinforcement from you as an incentive to transform her behavior. Take every opportunity to catch your child being good and compliment her on it. A comment such as "I like how well you are playing with your brother" gives your daughter the reinforcement she needs to continue her good behavior.
Step 3
Identify flaws in your behavior. As easy as it is to identify problems in someone else's behavior, it is more challenging to recognize problems in your own. Take a careful look at yourself. Is your example one of impatience, bullying or intolerance? A child's behavior is often a reflection of what he has learned from observing his parents. Resolve to make positive changes to your own behavior as you help your son improve his.
Step 4
Redirect behavior into appropriate activities. In his book "Family First: Your Step-By-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family," Phil McGraw warns that boredom will provoke children to act out. They need activities that will stimulate and challenge them. Your child is a bright and talented individual, and your goal should not be to suppress her natural enthusiasm. Instead, help her channel her energetic behavior into more appropriate forms of self-expression. For example, the wiggling that distracts her in the classroom might be an asset to her in dance lessons or sports. Help your child turn a potential weakness into a strength by allowing her to explore it in the appropriate setting.
Tips and Warnings
- Be patient with your child. She will likely fall back on bad behaviors many times before she finally overcomes them.
- Do not to withhold affection from your child. You can dislike his behavior without attacking him.
References
- "The Power of Positive Parenting"; Glenn I. Latham; 1990
- "Family First: Your Step-By-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family"; Dr. Phil McGraw; 2004
