Raising children is never an easy task, but raising a strong-willed child presents a particular set of challenges. Difficult children frequently employ negative behaviors such as raging, throwing tantrums and arguing incessantly when they do not get their way. Parents often feel frustrated and overwhelmed when the traditional approaches to discipline prove ineffective. However, in his book "Taming the Spirited Child," Michael Popkin, Ph.D. counsels parents not to lose hope. Your child needs you to parent her. With preparation, loving patience and practice, you can give your child the life skills she needs to take her into adulthood.
Step 1
Define your expectations. A difficult child may resist boundaries, but he needs the security of a reliable routine and instruction. To avoid conflict, be as clear as possible when you explain the family rules to your child. In his book "The Power of Positive Parenting," Glenn I. Latham, Ph.D., recommends stating the rule and requiring your child to repeat it back to you to prevent misunderstandings. For example, you may tell your child, "I expect you to be home at 6:00 p.m. for dinner every evening. If you are going to be late, you must call me before 6:00 p.m. to explain why. Can you repeat that rule back to me so I am sure we are on the same page?" If your son chooses to break one of your rules, he cannot claim later that he did not understand what you expected of him.
Step 2
Outline appropriate consequences. According to Dr. Latham, your child will persist in a particular behavior as long as the reward outweighs the punishment. This is why some children continue to do things they know will get them into trouble. To dissuade disobedience, parents must attach compelling consequences to unacceptable behaviors. Try to match the consequence to the offense. For example, if your child neglects her chores, give her extra chores the next day. It is important that parents diligently enforce their rules. Your child will dismiss your scoldings if she knows she can ignore you or argue you into changing your mind.
Step 3
Model appropriate behavior. Setting a good example is always important, but it is especially critical when raising difficult children, according to Popkin. Your son will learn how to cope with anger, disappointment and frustration based on his observations of you. Seeing you yell, demean or bully others in a fit of rage will communicate to your son that acting out is acceptable. He will use your bad behavior to excuse his own. Remember to always remain calm and respectful in the face of potentially explosive situations. Your consistent good example will increase the likelihood that your son will gain more self-control as he matures.
Step 4
Consider professional intervention. Sometimes your child's needs may exceed your capabilities. Take advantage of the expertise of a licensed psychologist or family counselor. A therapist can educate you and your child on problem-solving strategies and healthy coping skills. She also can refer your child for more intensive therapies, such as medication or inpatient treatment, if those approaches are deemed appropriate.
Tips and Warnings
- Consider attending a support group for parents of difficult children. Sharing the experience with others may make it easier to bear.
- Do not allow yourself to get drawn into arguments with your child; it will only frustrate both of you. Do not be discouraged if you do not see immediate results. It takes years to mold a child's character.
References
- "The Power of Positive Parenting"; Glenn I. Latham; 1990
- "Taming the Spirited Child"; Michael Popkin, Ph.D.; 2007
