How To Resolve Conflict With A Friend

Getting into an argument with a friend, or unintentionally hurting his feelings, can place a strain on a relationship. Often, however, the damage is temporary, and friends are able to make up and move on. If you're scrambling to pick up the pieces of a friendship and put them back together, be honest and heartfelt with your friend, and refrain from trying to "win" the argument. No one will end up winning if the attempt to resolve the conflict turns into a competition.

Step 1

Tell your friend you want to resolve the situation. Set aside a quiet time and place for the conversation. Choose a location that's free of distractions from children, pets and television. Turn off your cell phone or PDA, and give the person your undivided attention.

Step 2

Express your affection for your friend. Start the conversation by letting your friend know she's important to you, and that you want to keep her in your life. Explain that the conflict doesn't have to spell doom for your relationship, and that you want to work things out.

Step 3

Express your feelings with "I-statements." Rather than begin your sentences with "You always" or "You should," start with "I feel." Using "I-statements" will help the other person feel less defensive, and will also express your point of view in a compassionate manner. "Because I-statements require some healthy self-disclosure and self-disclosure requires vulnerability, they de-fuse rather than fuel arguments," advises the nonprofit Human Development Center in Austin, Texas.

Step 4

Acknowledge your role in the conflict. Don't criticize or blame your friend, and don't view yourself as a victim in the situation. "Pain makes us feel victimized," says bestselling author and mind-body authority Deepak Chopra. If you place blame for the conflict on your friend, you're not likely to get very far in resolving it.

Step 5

Listen to your friend. When he tells you how he feels, let him know through nonverbal cues, such as a smile or nod, that you've heard him. You can also offer verbal responses such as, "I understand," "I know how that feels" or "I hear what you're saying."

Step 6

Forgive your friend. Forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean you excuse her behavior, or invite her to hurt you again, according to Lewis B. Smedes, author of "The Art of Forgiving: When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How." Rather, forgiveness requires letting go of your anger, bitterness or resentment surrounding the situation, and moving forward. Also forgive yourself for your part in the conflict, and release any lingering feelings of guilt or shame.

Step 7

Bring in a third party, if necessary. "Sometimes a difference runs so deep that talking about it just won't help. In this case, having a third person present may neutralize the tension," advises Michael Wessells, professor of clinical population and family health at Columbia University. The third person can be a mutual friend or acquaintance that you and your friend choose jointly.