Coping with the death of a pet is never easy; it gets even more complicated when you have to explain death and dying to your children. For many children, the loss of a pet is their first experience with death and handling this loss appropriately can help kids develop a healthy grieving process to cope with other deaths later in life. How you talk to your kids about the death of a pet will vary based upon your children's ages and maturity levels, but the basic premises remain the same.
How to Talk to Kids about the Loss of a Pet
Step 1
Explain gently to your children that the pet is dead; note that the animal's body has stopped working and that medicine will not be enough to keep the pet alive and free of pain. Emphasize that death is permanent and that the pet will not be coming back. Avoid using phrases such as "put to sleep" or "lost," as younger children tend to take these phrases literally and may develop fear of going to sleep or try to hang posters in an attempt to "find" the pet.
Step 2
Answer any questions your children may have about the death of the pet. Be prepared to answer questions ranging from, "Why did our pet have to die?" to "What does death feel like?" to "What happens after death?" Draw on your personal knowledge and beliefs to help generate the answers to difficult questions. And if you don't know the answer, remain honest and tell your children that you don't know. After all, death is a mystery.
Step 3
Provide comfort for your children through conversation, hugs, and kisses. Show your emotion and sadness as well, reminding your children that it is okay to feel upset about the death of a pet and that it is okay to cry about it. If your children do not want to talk right away, that's fine, too; remind them that you are available whenever they are ready to talk.
Step 4
Facilitate the healing process by finding special ways to remember the pet. You can hold a memorial for the pet or make a collage to hang somewhere in the house. If you have videos of the pet, you can also devote a movie night to the pet. Share stories and memories of the pet, and remind your children that though the physical body may be gone, the happy memories will not fade.
Tips and Warnings
- If you know a pet needs to be euthanized, start explaining death and dying to your children before the pet is put to sleep. Give your children a chance to say goodbye. If a child is curious about the euthanasia process and wants to be present, gauge whether the child is emotionally mature enough to handle it before saying yes or no. Show your emotions, but don't let your emotions get the best of you. Adults grieve the loss of a pet just as much as children do, but placing blame or showing anger toward a veterinarian or a religious figure can negatively impact how your children perceive the death of their pet.
- Don't try to hide from your children the fact that the pet is dead. Saying that the pet has run away or gone on a trip will not make your kids feel any better and will deny them the proper opportunity to grieve. Worst of all, when the truth later comes out, your children may wonder what other lies you've told.
