Using tough love on your child does not mean you need to spank them or use corporal punishment. Tough-love parenting means to stay tough while setting and enforcing limits, and boundaries for your kids. Setting limits and consistently following through with consequences is the hallmark of tough-love parenting. Using corporal punishment is not necessary in order to incorporate tough love into your parenting.
Time-Out
An example of tough-love parenting is using time-outs.The amount of time that your child sits in time-out should equal her age. For example, if you have a two-year-old, her time-out should last for two minutes. Time-outs serve as a way for children to calm down and think about their behavior, and it gives parents a chance to step away from their emotions and avoid making discipline decisions based on anger. Catherine Taylor, an assistant professor of community health sciences at Tulane University's School of Public Health and Tropical Medicine in New Orleans stated, "We all know that children need guidance and discipline, but parents should focus on positive, non-physical forms of discipline, such as time-outs, and avoid spanking."
Planned Ignoring
Children are born with a natural curiosity about the world they live in. You need to guide and teach them which behaviors are safe and appropriate. A study led by University of New Hampshire sociologist Murray A. Straus, Ph.D., who has studied the impact of corporal punishment on child development for decades, shows that children who are spanked have lower IQ scores than children who are not spanked. The reason he believes this IQ deficit occurs, "is that the more frequently children are hit for whatever reason, the more stress they're feeling, which can impact brain development, emotional development and can impact behavior." Planned ignoring is a behavior-modification technique where the parent plans and executes ignoring their children when they exhibit unwanted behaviors. Each time that your child is acting in a way that you do not like and do not want to see again, simply do not respond.
Taking Toys
Children have toys that they desire and form attachments to. View these toys as a privilege that your child needs to earn. If you take these toys away when she has not earned the right to play with them, this will deter future negative behavior. When you spank, it is over quickly and there is no long-term learning opportunity. The American Academy of Pediatrics does not recommend spanking because it loses its impact after a length of time. When your child's toy is gone for 24 hours, it makes a lasting impression each time if you are consistent.
Taking Privileges
A study performed by Tulane's Taylor and reported to the American Academy of Pediatrics indicated that children who were spanked by age 3 had increased aggression. As children get older, they seek independence and freedom more than objects. Freedom is a privilege that should be taken away when your child is misbehaving. This will prepare your child for the real world and teach him that if he doesn't obey the rules of society, his freedom will be taken away. Grounding is an effective tool for tough-love parenting, but you must be consistent. Don't let your child off grounding because he is harassing you. Stay strong and be unwilling to bend your rules. When your child understands that you will not change your mind once you have handed out his punishment, the harassing will stop.
Adult Children
Using tough love is an effective way to handle adult children who have lost their way in the world and depend on their parents financially and/or emotionally. When you see that your adult child is making poor decisions for her life and you are contributing to these decisions by being an emotional or financial support for her, you need to use tough-love parenting by letting her go on her own. Disconnecting from your child and letting her learn by failure goes against every instinct a parent has to protect and support their child, but it is the only recourse when you realize that you may be helping her fail in life.
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