Non-physical spousal abuse may take many forms, including psychological, verbal, emotional and financial. Abusers may isolate their partners, or seek to control them in various ways. Non-physical abuse may include excessive criticism, humiliation, name-calling, threats, denying access to finances, intimidation and not allowing their partners to work or socialize. Because of the stigma and often covert and ongoing nature of this type of abuse, abused partners do not always seek help or leave the relationship.
Meaning
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, emotional abuse is occurring if someone calls his partner names or continually criticizes her; behaves extremely jealously or possessively; tries to isolate a partner; monitors where a partner goes and who she spends time with; refuses to let a partner work outside the home; controls finances; punishes a partner by withholding affection; demands that a partner asks permission; threatens to hurt a partner, the children or pets; or humiliates or belittles a partner. Additionally, sexual abuse entails more than sexual assault. It also includes manipulation to have sex or perform unwanted sex acts, ignoring a partner's feelings regarding sex, insulting a partner in sexual ways, or forcing a partner to dress or act in sexual ways.
Digital Spousal Abuse
A new realm of abuse that experts are beginning to explore is digital abuse. This can include constant text-messaging, especially demanding to know where a partner is and what she is doing. It may also include monitoring email and cell phone usage out of jealousy or a need to control. Demanding sexual expression via digital means, including sexual photos or other means, or sharing consensual sexual images without the partner's permission all constitute abuse.
Cycle of Violence
Psychologist Lenore Walker developed "the cycle of violence," a widely used model of abuse. Whether physical, emotional or psychological, abuse begins with a "tension-building phase." During this period, stress increases and communication breaks down. The abused partner often feels as though she is "walking on eggshells." The "crisis phase" follows, where abuse occurs. The "honeymoon phase" follows, when the abuser may use various tactics to regain trust, including promising the abuse will not happen again, minimizing the abuse or blaming the abused partner. A "calm phase" follows, when tension abates and the the abused partner may hope that things have improved. While varying in phase lengths, this cycle usually repeats and escalates.
Abusers
According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, there is no typical picture of an abuser. However, many abusers share some common characteristics, chiefly low self-esteem. Abusers usually desperately want control, and most abuse is linked to controlling the victim. Many abusers rapidly shift from loving to cruel. "Abusers are frequently characterized by those outside the home as generous, caring and good, and behave drastically differently in their home environment," the NCVC notes.
Where to Get Help
Non-physical spousal abuse can sometimes escalate to physical violence, and victims should have a safety plan in place in case this happens. Available sources of help and support include psychotherapy, support groups. domestic violence hotlines and shelters, and Legal Aid. The National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 is a source of useful information. Some victims of non-physical violence hesitate to seek help from a domestic violence agency, perhaps thinking that the abuse they suffer is not "real" or "serious" enough. All domestic violence organizations firmly believe that abuse need not be physical, and that victims of non-physical abuse need equal support and protection.
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