Whether your spouse's decision to divorce takes you by surprise or ends years of frustration concerning a dysfunctional relationship, divorce will likely turn your world upside down for a time. Theoretically, divorce legally dissolves a marriage contract. Realistically, divorce can reduce your time with your children to a few hours a week, sever friendships and leave you with half the savings, property and pension you had yesterday. Handling the emotional and legal aspects appropriately can sometimes make the transition of divorce smoother.
Step 1
Talk with your spouse if possible to confirm that he actually wants a divorce. According to Dr. Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson, LMFT, writing for the Coalition for Collaborative Divorce, many couples who begin the process are not ready for divorce. They explain that some spouses will threaten divorce in reaction to emotions experienced during an argument or because they are overwhelmed by financial concerns or other problems in the marriage. Allowing time for tempers to cool may clarify whether he wants a divorce or just wants the budget balanced.
Step 2
Meet with a therapist if you haven't already. Marriage and family therapists can often help you see your relationship more objectively and possibly guide you through problems you once thought too big to solve. If your spouse refuses marital counseling, or you've already given it a good effort, continue your relationship with a trusted counselor to help you through the emotional, financial and social upheaval divorce inevitably causes.
Step 3
Review the consequences of divorce. If it becomes clear that your spouse is moving ahead with her plans, prepare for the altered lifestyle, family traditions and future goals that come with ending a marriage. Get practical about financial issues such as paying off marital debt, dividing assets and possibly finding a new residence.
Step 4
Schedule a visit with legal counsel early in the process, but maintain control over how your attorney proceeds with the divorce. Lawyers generally seek the best possible outcome for their clients, but their enthusiasm to reach that goal sometimes adds unnecessary costs and turmoil to an already unstable situation. Protect your rights and seek an equitable distribution of marital property, but compare the actual value of the items in question to the additional legal fees and stress fighting over them might cost.
Step 5
Protect your child. Children experience the consequences of every decision divorcing parents make. Refuse to argue with your spouse in front of your child. Refrain from discussing adult topics with your child, but reassure her that you love her and intend to continue in your role as parent.
Discussing your spouse's failings, unreasonable demands or fault in the divorce only adds to the devastation she already feels. If you cannot settle custody issues or feel she is at risk with your spouse, consult the appropriate authorities or consider court-appointed mediation.
