A phobia is defined by APS Healthcare, Inc. as "anxiety provoked by exposure to a specific feared object or situation." The impact of phobias, including commitment phobias, vary widely in intensity. Symptoms of anxiety disorders include "sweating, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, choking and faintness." The symptoms of the disorder rarely include psychosis, according to the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill of Washtenaw County, Michigan, but phobias may become disabling when left untreated.
Reluctance to Share Rituals
A person with a commitment phobia will not allow his or her significant other to attend family dinners or holiday celebrations with longtime friends; this part of the person's life will remain hidden, since allowing another to share such experiences would mean greater difficulty in breaking off the relationship. The phobia mentality prevents access to this personal aspect of life, due to additional embarrassment or pain when the relationship fails. Avoidance is a way of preplanning an exit, according to relationship coach and author Jane Roder.
You Are One in a Series
H. Wallace Goddard, professor of Family Life at the University of Arkansas Cooperative Extension Service, reports that "commitment to the relationship is related to the quality of the relationship." Dr. Goddard suggests that people who make a "half-hearted or sporadic" commitment doom the relationship to failure. A committed relationship requires partner skill-building, according to Goddard. If one or both partners have a series of failed relationships, the odds are greater that one or both has a phobia to commit to a permanent relationship and build communication with a partner.
Use of the "We" Word
Studies done by noted, pioneer relationship specialists David and Vera Mace, former executive directors of the American Association of Marriage Counselors, list commitment as the essential element in a relationship. Commitment implies that we "pledge, promise or obligate ourselves to something or someone," according to Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, and the key is to make the relationship the primary focus of time and energy. One clue that a person with a commitment phobia is not ready to make the commitment is the use of the term "we" in language and action. A committed person uses the "we" term in normal conversation and with ease. The phobic person strains to include a partner and rarely uses "we" to describe commitment activities.
The Future Defined
In their 2002 study of communication and commitment, S.M. Stanley, H.J. Markman and S.W. Whitton found that people look for a "lifelong best friend in a mate" open to lifelong friendship-building. A commitment phobia frames the future without the presence of the partner, and fails to include the partner in any future plans or commitments. "People can choose the priority they will place on their relationships," according to Stanley, Markman and Whitton, but a person with a chronic fear or failure to make a commitment will not chose to include a partner as a priority for the future.
References
- APS Healthcare, Inc.: Treatment Request and Integrated Georgia Reporting Survey; 2001
- "Men Who Can't Love;" Steven Carter and Julia Sokol; 2000
- "The NAMI Michigan Family Resource Guide;" 2008
- "History and Present Status of the Marriage and Family Enrichment Movement;" David and Vera Mace; in Marriage and Family Enrichment; Wallace Denton, Editor; 1986
- "Communication, Conflict, and Commitment;" S.M. Stanley, H.J. Markman and S.W. Whitton; Family Process; 2002
