Getting your wife back after you've been unfaithful can be a challenging endeavor, but it's possible if you're committed to the effort it takes to heal your marriage. It may take time and patience to regain her trust and respect after you've betrayed her. However, making the decision to win her back is the first step; it shows that you're willing to invest in your relationship again. In fact, if you're eager to work to heal your relationship, your marriage may become stronger than before the infidelity, says Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage therapist and director of the Divorce Busting Center in Colorado.
Step 1
Admit what you've done. Don't rationalize your behavior or diminish the damage you've caused. Ensure that the affair is over and that there are no lingering reminders of the other woman. Apologize to your wife for all the pain you've caused. Ask her for forgiveness. Agree to learn from the mistakes you've made and use them to "inject new life into your relationship," says Janis Abrahms Spring, a psychologist and author of "After the Affair."
Step 2
Lay everything on the table. Be prepared to speak honestly. The process of regaining her trust requires you to be truthful with her. Don't hold back as an attempt to shelter her or protect your pride. Agreeing to heal the wounded relationship guarantees that you will experience "considerable hardship and devastation along the way," says Weiner-Davis.
Step 3
Allow her to ask you about the infidelity. Be attentive to her physical or emotional needs in the healing process. Answer the questions she has about the affair, as painful as it may be for you. Give her the chance to get angry or let her break down in tears. Open yourself to discuss what may have led you into the arms of another woman. Don't react defensively to her accusations. Instead, attempt to distinguish the pain behind the angry words she's directing at you, suggests Abrahms Spring.
Step 4
Let her set the limits. Agree to go to counseling---together or individually. Show her that you're willing to learn how to improve your relationship by uncovering your motivations for the affair, says relationship expert Peggy Vaughan. Give her access to your phone or emails if she's still dubious about what you're doing when you're apart.
Step 5
Give her time. Don't rush her as she copes with the hurt. She needs the chance to recover before your relationship can move forward, says Vaughan. There's no quick solution for repairing the damage you've caused in your marriage, so be patient with her, says Weiner-Davis. She says, "Forgiveness may come eventually, but forgetting never does. The marriage has changed forever..."
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