How To Date After An Affair

Recovering from being victimized by an affair can be a difficult process. Your trust has been betrayed and your self-esteem may be shattered. You must endure a period of grieving in order to heal your heart before you can move forward in establishing another relationship. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the impact of discovering an affair is similar to that of suffering from the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder---obsessing over the details of the affair, "physiological hyperarousal, flashbacks and intrusive images."

Step 1

Recognize that it's not your fault. Don't blame yourself for the infidelity, even if you may recognize that you didn't do everything perfectly in the relationship. Understand that your partner has discarded you; don't also abandon yourself, says Janis Abrahms Spring, psychologist and author of "After the Affair." Your partner's imperfections are what led to his succumbing to temptation and having the affair, she says.

Step 2

Take some time to learn about yourself. Grieve the loss of your relationship and learn from the infidelity. Michele Weiner-Davis, Director of the Divorce Busting Center in Colorado says that sometimes the pain you experience through infidelity can help people to "emerge more empathetic, skilled, loving and determined to affair-proof their relationships in the future." Care for yourself, take an inventory of your relationships, and discover what you're looking for in a relationship.

Step 3

Take your time getting back into the dating scene. Don't rush into another relationship before you've recovered from the pain of the infidelity. As devastating as the affair has been for you, getting into a new relationship too quickly can prolong the healing process or mask the pain entirely, causing you to suffer in subsequent relationships. Allow yourself to feel the pain and mourn the loss before you commit to another relationship, says Rich Nicastro, marriage and relationship psychologist.

Step 4

Explore new things. Expand your comfort zone by dating different types of people. Look for the qualities in your dates that you didn't find in your partner who cheated. Partners in a healthy relationship must be willing to expand their horizons and welcome spontaneity in themselves and in others, says relationship therapist Jef Gazley.

Step 5

Learn to trust again. Overcome the instinct to suspect the motivations of people you're dating. If you continue to mistrust others, you will "...behave compulsively, reflexively---without reason or restraint," says Abrahms Spring. Regaining trust in others may take time, but if you're resistant to being vulnerable again, you're relationships will suffer, says Gazley. Give your dates a chance to show you that they are trustworthy. Don't compare them to your ex.