Just like adults, all children process death differently. But you play a vital role in how your child interprets this complex concept. How you respond to a death, how you include your child in grieving and how you explain the process all determine whether your child understands death and grieving as a normal aspect of life or as a mysterious, scary occurrence. While it may be hard to know the proper things to say to your child, there are certain activities that will help him understand death and grieving.
Nature Walks
Death is a part of the life cycle that all living beings go through. To relay this lesson, take your child on nature walks and point out plants or animals that are in certain stages of their life cycles, writes Betsy Braun in "Just Tell Me What to Say." For instance, explain to your child that the butterfly she sees started out as a caterpillar, blossomed into a butterfly when it became an adult, and will eventually grow old. Braun suggests that you be honest and explain to her that as it ages, its parts won't work anymore, so it will die. You can also explain this using wilting leaves or passing insects. Your child may ask about life spans. Explain to her that everything that is living will die, but it won't happen for a very long time, Braun writes.
Funerals
Letting your child take part in the funeral service of a deceased loved one is one of the most comforting things you can do for them, writes Phyllis Silverman and Madelyn Kelly in "A Parent's Guide to Raising Grieving Children." Doing so acknowledges them as mourners and shows them that they have a spot in the close circle of family members affected by the death. To include your child, let him attend the funeral service or viewing, making sure to explain to him what he will witness, such as other adults crying or a casket being buried. For the same reasons, provide a small burial if an animal has died. However, there is an age limit to inclusion, Braun writes. Children younger than 3 should not attend services because they do not understand the event or its meaning and may distract others.
Memorials
Now is a good time to show your child how to celebrate and remember the deceased. Plant a tree or flower, display photos or light candles in the deceased's honor. Explain to your child that when you light this candle or visit this plant, you are thinking of the deceased and remembering events with that person that are comforting to you. This lets her know that remembering is normal and that although people die, they are not forgotten.
References
- "Just Tell Me What to Say"; Betsy Brown Braun; 2008.
- "A Parent's Guide to Raising Grieving Children"; Phyllis R. Silverman and Madelyn Kelly; 2009.
