Diagnosing someone as an alcoholic can be tricky for a non-professional. There's a fine line between alcohol abuse, which can be managed by moderation, and alcoholism, which requires complete abstinence. If your husband is drinking too much, drinking to cope with his everyday life or defensive about his drinking, he may have an alcohol problem--and whether he's dealing with alcohol abuse or true alcoholism, his condition can take an enormous toll on you and your entire family. Bringing up the subject may be difficult for you both, but talking to him is essential if you want the situation to improve.
Step 1
Plan a time to talk when neither one of you is rushed. Don't start a conversation about his alcohol use when he's getting ready to head to the office or right before you're meeting friends for dinner. If you have children, consider leaving them with a babysitter or family member so they don't hear your conversation.
Step 2
Tell him in clear, straightforward language that his drinking is negatively affecting his life and your marriage.
Step 3
Use specific, concrete examples of real problems his alcohol consumption has caused for your life. Instead of being vague, say "You missed our conference at school because you were at the bar and forgot the time" or "You spent the money we were saving for vacation this summer on beer."
Step 4
Give him an ultimatum. Often, alcoholics need an ultimatum to make a change, says Bonnie Eaker-Weil, author of the book "Make up Don't Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples," in "Ladies Home Journal." Give him a deadline to get help and a consequence--like moving out--if he doesn't.
Step 5
Tell him that you're not going to spread the word that you believe he is an alcoholic, but that you will not cover for him with other people anymore. Stick to that, even though it may be hard. As long as he knows you'll protect him, he may not be motivated enough to stop.
Step 6
Suggest specific places where he can get help. Research local rehabilitation centers, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and alcohol abuse counselors before your talk to find options that fit your budget and lifestyle. Present your husband with the best options, and let him know that you understand he will probably need outside help to stop drinking.
Tips and Warnings
- If he's convinced that he doesn't have a problem, make a deal with him. If he can prove to you that he can consume alcohol in moderation--around three drinks a week--for a month, you'll consider his position. If he's just abusing alcohol, cutting back might be sufficient to solve the problem. Check with your insurance company to see what kind of addiction recovery support it offers. Many plans include assistance for drug and alcohol counseling and treatment. Being married to an alcoholic can be incredibly difficult. See a therapist or find other spouses in the same position at local Al-Anon groups to get support and practical advice; check the phone book or call 1-800-344-2666 to find groups near you.
