Relationships bring tremendous challenges along with joy and companionship. While many factors contribute to healthy communication in relationships, a few core concepts encompass much of a couple's need to communicate effectively. Learning and practicing these concepts can help you and your partner ensure a more healthy, fulfilling relationship that can withstand difficulty and conflict.
Step 1
Learn to identify feelings whenever possible. This may require some work on developing a feeling vocabulary. Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication and author of "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion," advises practicing using feeling words, perhaps even making a list and posting it somewhere to begin to integrate a fuller feeling vocabulary. The word "good" may suffice in some situations, but "inspired," "secure," "grateful" or "hopeful" may more accurately describe what is felt.
Step 2
Express feelings to your partner as clearly as possible. Nonviolent communication teaches the difference between our feelings and how we think others behave toward us. For example, "I feel like I don't really matter to you," actually expresses a perception of a partner's feelings or behavior. Whereas, "I feel sad because I have not seen much of you this week," expresses an inarguable feeling: sadness, without making an interpretation of a partner's actions. Practicing expressing feelings without interpretations can ensure that you are heard and understood without raising your partner's defenses.
Step 3
Take responsibility for your own feelings without blaming your partner. This may seem like the most difficult element, as it can feel that it is a fact that a partner's actions caused a feeling. Rosenberg stresses that taking responsibility for your feelings does not mean blaming yourself for them either, rather it is a neutral position. For example, "You made me mad when you didn't call me earlier," blames the other person for the anger. "I felt mad when you didn't call me earlier, because I really wanted to connect," expresses the feeling while taking responsibility for the need or desire behind it.
Tips and Warnings
- Learning to identify, express and take responsibility for feelings takes practice. It can help to be patient with yourself as you try on these skills, and to observe how your partner responds.
References
- "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion"; Marshall Rosenberg; 1999.
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