Children deal with death based primarily on their developmental progress, previous experience and personality. According to the Nemours Foundation, the best way to begin the conversation with children when a loved one dies is to be honest. Children are all different. Consider the emotional maturity and situation of each child as you prepare to break the news.
Step 1
Keep the explanation literal when telling children under the age of 5 years about a death. According to the Nemours Foundation, young children understand concepts such as the body stops working or that a heart stops beating. Compare the death to a broken toy or other object to which the child can relate.
Step 2
Explain to children that there often are no immediate answers as to why the person died. According to the Center for Loss and Life Transition, children have every right to ask questions, even though they might not be ready for the answers.
Step 3
Allow children to talk about the person who died and remember experiences they had with the deceased person. According to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, healthy grief in children includes a lasting attachment to the loved one that they express through reminiscing.
Step 4
Take your child to a funeral or memorial service if he expresses a desire to go. The ritual might help children understand the dying process. Explain to the child what to expect at the service.
Step 5
Reassure children that there is no right or wrong way to feel. Don't judge a child's feelings, but do provide a safe atmosphere in which he can express his feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation.
Step 6
Share your own spiritual beliefs that you hold concerning the possibility of an afterlife. While children might not accept the ideas you put forth, it will at least give them an idea of the possibility that death does have a positive side.
Tips and Warnings
- If the person was particularly close and you are having difficulty with your own grief, you might need to ask another adult to tell the child about the death. Choose a person who knows the child well and whom the child likes and respects.
- Very young children might not grasp the finality of death, so be prepared to continue your explanations. Remain calm and prepare to repeat the fact that the person won't be coming back. Don't hide your own feelings of grief from the child. Let her see you cry and express sadness or anger so that she can feel free to express her own feelings. Children who do not go through the normal grieving process of anger, sadness, denial and acceptance might develop childhood traumatic grief, a mental disorder that precludes them from normal development after the death of a loved one. Seek counseling for a child who refuses to talk about the loved one or who avoids thinking or talking about death.
