Positive parenting begins in the early years, then morphing and adapting as your child grows and develops new needs, new ideas and encounters new situations. Three positive parenting skills that will help you include active listening, flexibility and logical consequences. You might need to adapt your approach in different stages of your child's development.
Active Listening
Parenting expert Dr. William Sears encourages parents to start active listening in infancy. An infant can communicate his feelings and needs through crying. Parents can begin learning how to listen actively by attending to the cues given by their baby. Paying attention to these cues ensures that the baby rarely has to elevate to frustration and desperate crying, which teaches her that her needs will be met by her caregivers. Teaching a child that his needs will be met helps him develop a secure attachment to his caregivers and a feeling of trust and confidence that is the foundation of a well-adjusted adult.
Active Listening, Part 2
As your child's speaking skills improve, active listening continues as you draw your attention to what your child is expressing. Face your child, giving her your full attention when she talks to you. Offering her your full attention is an expression that shows her that you believe that what she has to say is valid and important. If you cannot give your full attention at a particular moment, feel free to tell your child that because you want to give her your attention, you need her to wait for a moment until you can do that. As soon as you are able, come back to eye level and continue the conversation. Through active listening, you are teaching your child how to wait their turn, how to communicate with others, and how to be respectful with another person who is talking.
Flexability
Not only will your ability to achieve flexibility be beneficial to your child, it will also reduce household stress and conflict. Beginning in infancy, start practicing flexibility by allowing your baby to eat on demand. Eating on demand might fluctuate depending on growth spurts and caloric need. Babies who are fed on demand grow confidence because they know that they will be fed when they are hungry. As toddlers grow more opinionated, use the skill of flexibility to compromise on issues that don't compromise your child's safety. Advocates of attachment parenting believe that offering a toddler choices teaches a child that they have some control over their world, which leads to less conflict over more important issues.
Logical Consequences
Once your child is able to express opinions, he is able to accept some logical consequences for choice. Allowing your child to leave the house without a sweater on a chilly day will teach her that she gets cold without her sweater. If you have brought the sweater along, it offers you a wonderful teaching tool about observation and planning. Some rules are non-negotiable and should not be allowed to play out in logical consequences because of the potential danger involved. Allowing your child to ride a bike without her helmet could result in brain injury, but taking your child to a neuropsychology clinic to volunteer around people who have brain injury is an acceptable logical consequence for refusing to wear a helmet, as is losing access to her bike.
Saying No
The general rule of positive parenting is to never say "no" if you can say "yes." Saving the word "no" for non-negotiable issues will reduce the frequency of conflict and defiance. As a parent, you'll have times when "no" is the only answer available, but it becomes much more effective if used minimally. If you are unsure of the situation, first use inquiry and active listening to gain more information before you decide. This will show your child that you have given the idea consideration and have ultimately decided that it cannot happen. Many times after reflecting, parents find that the request is not excessive and are glad they took the time to ponder the choice before issuing an automatic "no." Children are quick to pick up on injustice and will fight hard to correct it. Using "no" sparingly will reduce conflict and increase trust in your ability to parent fairly.
References
- "Your Baby and Child--From Birth to Age 5"; Penelope Leach; 1997
- "The Baby Book"; William Sears; 1993
- "Teach Your Own: The John Holt Book of Homeschooling"; John Holt; 2003
- "Magical Child"; Joseph Chilton Pearce; 1977
