According to the Children's Grief Education Association, children express grief differently than adults. Because the bereavement process for children is one of varying emotions of fleeting levels of intensity, children may not receive the emotional support they need. The National Association of School Psychologists notes that children need help coping with the immediate and long-term grieving process. Bereavement help for children is best provided by caring adults who understand the ways in which children grieve and the support they need to come to terms with loss.
How Children Grieve
NASP recommends talking to children about death in ways that respect their emotional development and their culture. Children may display a lack of emotion, regressive or immature behaviors, repetitive questions and angry outbursts. They may want to be held or want to sleep with a parent. Children often feel insecure and may struggle to understand what has happened. Often, children will play and laugh and appear to be healing, only to have an emotional crisis the next day. Children continue to react to loss over long periods of time, grieving anew as they mature and learn new information.
A Lengthy Process
Adults can provide bereavement help to children by remembering that, according to NASP, grief is not an event, it is a process. Children need time to grieve, to understand and to reach a point of acceptance. NASP suggests allowing children to talk about their feelings and to ask questions. Children need to hear the truth from adults and have adults treat their grieving process as unique and not make assumptions based on a child's age, gender or outward appearance. Children of all ages need help grieving. The Children's Grief Education Association recommends allowing children to grieve as they choose.
Developmental Considerations
While children grieve in ways unique to their individual personalities, the way in which children understand death is connected to their age and level of development. For instance, infants and toddlers have no understanding of death, and preschoolers may have any of several reactions to death ranging from denial to characterizing it as reversible or temporary.
Children in elementary school understand that death is permanent, though they may engage in magical thinking to exercise control over their world. Middle school children understand fully the concept of death and may experience anger, sadness or other serious behaviors. High school students may ask for support and comfort or they may withdraw. Adults who understand the bereavement needs of children can be confident in offering help in ways that are age-appropriate.
Preparing Children
NASP suggests preparing children for the reactions of friends, classmates, family members and others. This "secondary loss" may have a strong emotional impact on a child. Adults can help by offering suggestions to the child's friends on how to show their concern. A grieving child's friend may be experiencing sadness and frustration and may need help, as well.
Tips
Adults help children when they share their own feelings about the loss. Teens, who may need to grieve alone, may be helped by doing something creative like writing or painting.
