Perhaps it's been 20 years, perhaps two months, since you ended your previous marriage. Your spouse broke the vow of faithfulness to you by having sex with someone else. You vividly remember the humiliation, the pain, the devastation and the anger, just as if it were yesterday. You dream about it, imagine them together, turn it over and over in your mind until your stomach is a burning knot, and every muscle in your body feels tense. You clench your teeth and pound your fist. You want revenge, justice and, someday, an apology. You want these, but what you might really need is to forgive.
Forgiveness Benefits You
Step 1
Research the physical side effects that anger and resentment have on your body. According to psychiatrist and Harvard Medical School faculty member, Dr. Edward Hallowell, forgiving can improve your health. "Your blood pressure may go down, resting heart rate may decrease, your immune system may get stronger, your susceptibility to a heart attack or a stroke may decrease, headaches and backaches and neck pain may abate and your need for medications may diminish," writes Hallowell. The physical benefits of forgiving are only the beginning of freeing yourself from your ex-spouse.
Step 2
Choose to forgive. Make a conscious choice, and it may positively impact those you live with, work with and any love that may be in your future. Forgiveness can be difficult to give, but remain determined to do it. In his article "How to Forgive Others," Dr. Alex Lickerman gives several reasons why it may be difficult to forgive. Perhaps you fear your loss of control and energy that anger can bring, you want your sense of justice satisfied, you want your spouse to "pay" and be punished, you never received an apology, or just plain human nature, or "harm as we have been harmed." It is possible to forgive the person, without condoning the actions.
Step 3
Forgive yourself. Be sure you also let go of any guilt or shame, and give yourself a break. You cannot control others, only yourself. Take "me" time to improve your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. Mayo Clinic's Katherine Piderman, Ph.D. states "By embracing forgiveness, you embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy."
Hallowell's Steps to Forgiveness
Step 1
Acknowledge your emotions. Talk to someone you trust. Express your feelings of anger, resentment and pain out loud. Don't apologize or feel guilty for having them. If you withdraw or isolate yourself, you are bound to ruminate more.
Step 2
Decide "what do I want this pain to turn into?" Hallowell, in his book, "Dare to Forgive," describes that negative emotions must be channeled into something positive. Write down on paper, what you long to be set free from and what can be gained in your life. This is not weakness; it takes strength and courage.
Step 3
Work through your pain. Concrete ways to do this may be to look at your current life and show gratitude for the wonderful things you have. Pray or meditate, looking for peace. Look to your future and evaluate what you want it to be. Talk with a counselor. Go through a divorce recovery workshop and determine to do things differently.
Step 4
Release, and let go of your rage and resentment. Renounce the anger by realizing that it is controlling and hurting you, not your ex-spouse. You feel chewed up inside while your spouse has moved on to a new life. Re-channel the energy it takes to hold a grudge into something positive, such as going back to school, exercise, a drive through the mountains, or playing with your kids.
References
- "Dare to Forgive"; Dr. Edward Hallowell; 2004
- Psychology Today: How to Forgive Others
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