Adults often inappropriately ignore bullying as "just part of growing up," says family security consultant and author Gavin DeBecker. Although children can often be cruel, systematic or violent bullying needs parental involvement. DeBecker says that unchecked bullying can lead to attendance problems, poor self image and even deadly violence against the bully or the victim.
Defining Bullying
Because of immaturity, poor modeling at home or social pressures, kids can sometimes be cruel. An occasional bad interaction with a classmate is, in fact, part of growing up. But occasional razzing is not bullying. Bullying is a systematic and escalating pattern of harassment that often results in violence, according to DeBecker. If a classmate calls your child a name at school once, it's an opportunity for your child to grow a thicker skin. If a classmate harasses your child routinely or physically, it's time for parents to step in.
Communication
Dave Coffman, an Oregon martial arts instructor, says the best bullying help you can give as a parent is communicating with your child. Listen actively to the stories your child tells after school and ask follow-up questions about things your child seems excited or worried about. If you catch bullying early on, you may be able to stop it before it escalates. Bear in mind that your child might be reluctant to tell you directly, so listening actively and reading between the lines are important.
Involving the School
Coffman and DeBecker agree that it's important to contact the school if your child is bullied. Talk with your child's teacher and principal the first time bullying happens, and follow up with an email. They may not be able to do anything about it on a first offense, but it creates a record of the occurrence. In some cases, school administration can resist taking action. As a parent, you must insist.
Involving Yourself
It's usually a mistake to confront your child's bully yourself, says Coffman. Although the bully may back off in an adult's presence, he will likely escalate the bullying when your child is alone. Worse, if you confront a child, that child's parent may confront you. The last thing your child needs is you fighting with his bully's parents.
Fighting
Although there's a television- or movie-style satisfaction in your child beating up her bully, this rarely works out well. Zero-tolerance policies popular in schools mean that your child will be punished for fighting with a bully. DeBecker further notes that violence against a bully often leads to that bully returning with friends or weapons. In his Bullyguard training program, safety teacher Tom Patire points out that bullies have had more practice fighting and actually like hurting other people. Seriously consider the situation before advising your child to respond violently to bullying.
Involving the Police
Name calling, social infighting and insults are not illegal, although many are against school policy. But a child who hits your child has committed assault. If your child is attacked at school, there's no reason not to press charges. This is especially important if the school did nothing after earlier incidents to protect your child.
References
- "Protecting the Gift"; Gavin DeBecker; 1998
- "Personal Protection Handbook"; Tom Patire; 2004
- Dave Coffman; Martial Arts Teacher; Hillsboro, OR
