Verbal and mental abuse in a marriage may be difficult to recognize because it is often subtle and, over time, leaves the victim in an increasing state of confusion. Because there are no obvious physical scars, family and friends are usually unaware of the abuse. Most often, the husband is the abuser and the wife is the victim, but there are many cases of women abusing their husbands. If you or someone you care about is a victim of verbal or mental abuse, counseling and support groups may provide the necessary help to break the cycle of abuse.
Definition
Mental abuse is anything your spouse says or does that makes you feel afraid or lowers your self-esteem. It includes verbal abuse, such as name-calling, threats, public humiliation and ordering you around. It also may involve actions designed to disorient you, for example by a denial that that certain events occurred or deliberate provocations designed to create conflict and establish a state of constant chaos. It also can involve invasion of your privacy; for example, your spouse may open your mail or look through your handbag. Most of these actions are designed to manipulate or dominate you.
Victim Misperceptions
Victims of verbal abuse often think the abuse is somehow their fault. You may believe your appearance, behavior or level of intelligence makes your spouse angry, distant or disgusted with you. Victims of emotional abuse also tend to dismiss their concerns as irrational. For example, you might tell yourself that your wife's calls to check up on your whereabouts are an expression of how much she loves you and misses you.
Abuser Misperceptions
Spouses who engage in verbal abuse typically are not aware of what they are doing, according to Patrician Evans, author of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." They may think they are entitled to give orders or to tell their spouse what to think or how to feel. They may believe they have this right based on age, gender or superior income. Sometimes they feel that their spouse "made them do it" and therefore, in their mind, the action is justified. Frequently, they do not have the capacity to acknowledge their mate's feelings, opinions or perspective.
Impact
Both verbal and mental abuse have a significant negative impact on the victim spouse. The emotional trauma raises stress levels, which compromises the immune system and leaves the victim vulnerable to physical illness, according to Evans. Exhaustion and back pain are early warning signs of this condition. Emotional and verbal abuse also damage the victim's self image and can lead to depression and even suicidal thoughts, according to Helium.
Resolution
Because the victim spouses often feel that they deserve the abuse, they tend to stay in the relationship even though it is destructive. Psychologist and Director of MentalHelp.net Mark Dombeck, Ph.D., points out that abused spouses generally need to reach a state where they believe the abuse is undeserved and unfair before they can act. This feeling of injustice gives rise to anger, which becomes a catalyst for action to get out of the situation.
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