You've visited mom, and once again her refrigerator is empty. You know she isn't taking her medication, and you worry that she might forget to turn off the gas stove. It isn't safe for her to continue in her current living situation, but every time you broach the topic, she clams up. Many older Americans, concerned about finances or being a burden to their children, want to stay in their homes. Often the decision to move is made way too late--after a stroke, a fall or some other physical crisis convinces the family that mom can no longer live alone.
Time to Talk
Once you've realized your mother's living arrangements are unsafe, think about what you want to say, where to bring up the topic and when. "Pick a place and time when older relatives can hear what you are saying without family and holiday distractions," said gerontology expert Mark Edinberg. This is a conversation to have when you have plenty of time--not when you're on your way to your son's soccer game or late for work.
Outline Your Concerns and Expectations
When expressing your uneasiness to your mother, do it in a loving, compassionate manner. Edinberg recommends using "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, say, "Mom, I'm worried that you're not eating properly," or "When you drive after dark, I worry about your safety."
Get Help
Involve your spouse, your siblings and other interested family members to join in the discussion. With the help of other loving and interested people, it will be easier to dialogue about what housing options are available. The Family Caregiving Alliance recommends identifying each person's role in the transition, outlining the type of care to be provided as well as the expected changes in lifestyle, finances and the physical setting of the new home.
Listen
Stop talking and start listening to your mother's concerns, ideas and fears. Be open to her solutions, even if you don't think they'll work. Avoid arguing with her, and ask open-ended questions designed to help her sort out her options.
She's Still Your Mom
Even though you may be parenting your mom, remember you are not her parent. Don't adopt a condescending or patronizing tone. Express your apprehension in ways that emphasize your respect and affection for her. Respect her opinion and remind her that you want what's best for her. If she becomes angry, let the conversation end. Remind her that since you love and care about her, you will bring the discussion up again in a few days.
Accentuate the Positive
Moving out of the family home can be a traumatic transition for many seniors. Often they see this as an assault to their independence. Switch the focus to the good things she can expect about moving. Show mom how she will still be self-reliant and active. By talking about the upside to the move--she won't have to cook anymore, or there will be lots of new activities to join--you can minimize some of her trepidation.
Keep Talking
Realize that this transition will require more than a one-time chat over a cup of coffee. Moving out of the family home is a life-altering decision. A satisfactory decision will take time, require many more conversations and a few more tears.
