How To Tell Someone To Lose Weight

How to Tell Someone to Lose Weight

Jun 15, 2011 | By Jason Brick

Telling a friend or relative he has a weight problem can be a struggle. It can even strain otherwise healthy friendships, says Dr. Martin Brinks of Duke University's Diet and Fitness Center. On the one hand, you want your friend to be healthy and live long enough to visit with you in your old age. On the other, weight is a sensitive topic and often tied to feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

Step 1

Choose your moment. If your friend is already defensive about weight, feeling down or otherwise not in a great frame of mind, it's no time to have such a hard and potentially embarrassing conversation. Conflict management teacher Dr. Tony Fiore recommends delivering hard news when the recipient is ready to hear it.

Step 2

Start by listening, says Dr. Robert Buchman, a cancer specialist who also teaches others how to deliver bad news. Ask open-ended questions, even as basic as "How are you?" This helps your friend relax into the conversation, lets her feel heard, and reminds her that you are her friend and on her side.

Step 3

Avoid emotionally laden words, guilt or judgment when you talk about your friend's weight. Diet adviser Bill Phillips writes that many overweight people feel guilty and judged about their weight. Worse, feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy can lead to eating disorders that make people overweight in the first place.

Step 4

Couch your concern in terms of care for your friend. Instead of "Steve, you're really fat. I mean, really," try, "Steve, I'm worried about your weight. I want to keep causing trouble with you well into our 80s, and we might miss out on that unless we do something about it."

Step 5

Legitimize your friend's emotions and listen actively as she explains the problem. Active listening is a skill used by mediators and trainers to make sure people feel heard, valued and understood. Communications trainer Anndy Wiselogle lists paraphrasing, discussing emotions and asking follow-up questions among powerful active listening tools.

Step 6

Use "we" language. Fiore teaches that almost everybody responds better to an assignment or request when asked by somebody who will take part in it with her. One good method is to invite your friend to join you in your own fitness endeavor. Rather than "Jen, you need to lose weight," try "Jen, I'm thinking about going back to the gym. I was thinking you could do it with me."