Whether your divorce is amicable or ugly, the realities of moving on can become emotionally, economically and logistically complicated if there are any children involved. According to psychology professor Robert Emery, author of "The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive," parents often work so hard trying to shield their kids from any pain that what they create instead is an atmosphere of distrust, fear and guilt. How children see adults handle divorce-related problems, he explains, not only impacts their self-esteem but influences their own resilience and ability to resolve conflicts.
Step 1
Choose an appropriate time when you and your future ex can both sit down together with your child and explain that things are going to change. Nicholas Long and Rex Forehand, authors of "Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust" emphasize the critical nature of timing. If the news is delivered before the actual decision to divorce has been made, a child will likely think there's still a chance of reconciliation. Wait too long, however, and your child may hear it from someone else and wonder how many other secrets are being kept.
Step 2
Anticipate questions and confusion, but exercise good judgment in disclosing details that are either beyond the maturity level and understanding of the child or that point an accusatory finger of blame. As Long and Forehand illustrate in case studies, the objective should never be to force a child to choose one parent over the other by making the partner out to be a terrible person. This strategy often leads to using the child as a messenger, overcompensating with gifts to out-do the ex and overtly or subliminally causing the child to question the motives of the "bad" parent.
Step 3
Establish a reasonable co-parenting schedule at the outset of the split. According to Emery, this cooperative agreement should take precedence over the legalities of dividing joint assets. For many parents, the biggest questions revolve around custody and visitation. Isolina Ricci, author of "Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child," stresses the importance of keeping things as stable as possible for the kids, especially if they're in school, involved in extracurricular activities they love and have a large network of friends. While she cites that many couples now share custody, the success of this arrangement is often based on the proximity of the two addresses to one another, the work/travel schedules of the parents and the ages of the children.
Step 4
Reassure your child that she will always have your love. As Long and Forehand explain, children often take on more guilt than they should because of their perceptions of cause and effect. When a divorce seems to come from out of the blue, it's all too easy for them to think back to what they were doing just before the announcement. Whether it was a failure to put toys away or getting a bad grade on a test, a child may feel anxious that this was a contributing factor and want to fix it. This is coupled with the fear that if one parent could drop out of the picture, the other one could, too. If your own words of reassurance aren't enough, you may want to consider seeking the services of a trained therapist.
Step 5
Communicate with your ex about any problems that are affecting your children. Discuss with your ex--and with your children--what the respective house rules are at the two residences. Without this discussion, Ricci points out, a child will figure out fairly fast that whatever he can't get away with at Mom's is a piece of cake at Dad's. Resist the urge to make your child your best friend and confidante. This is what you have other adults and support groups for. Focus on your role of being a responsible parent and setting a positive example of how to deal with things that don't work out.
References
- "Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust"; Nicholas Long, Rex L. Forehand; 2002
- "The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive"; Robert E. Emery; 2006
- "Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child; Isolina Ricci; 1997
