Bullying ranges in form from social exclusion and name-calling to physical violence. Children who are victims often are reluctant to tell their parents because they're embarrassed by the teasing or because they don't want to "tattle." If your child frequently complains that she doesn't want to go to school or if you see signs of self-mutilation, it is possible that she has encountered a bully at school. She needs your help to set her world right again.
Gather Information
If you suspect your child is being bullied, the first step is to get the story from him. Ask him to describe the sequence of events, where it happened and who was involved. Find out what tactics the bully used and whether anyone was nearby who might have witnessed the event. Avoid criticizing your child, even if you think he handled the situation poorly. Let him know that it's safe to talk to you about the abuse. What you hear is likely to make you angry, but try to remain calm to avoid further upsetting your child. Tell your child that the bully's behavior is wrong and praise him for having the courage to tell you about it.
Problem Solving
Work with your child to guide her towards a strategy for dealing with the bully. Ask her what she thinks might work to get the bully to stop. If she suggests an action you think is inadvisable, such as calling the bully an insulting name, don't criticize her response. Instead, ask what she thinks will happen if she does that. Upon reflection, children usually can reason that such actions will only provoke a bully. Also ask her how she might be able to avoid the places where she encounters the bully. It's important for your child to feel that she is working out this problem because it empowers her.
Safety in Numbers
Explain to your child that bullies really are cowards and they usually will not pick on a kid if someone else is present; they almost never will confront a group of three or more. Work with your child to devise strategies to avoid being alone in places where he might encounter the bully. Talk to your child about getting involved in different activities---perhaps in a different location---where he can make new friends and get a fresh start.
Teachers
Bullies are smart enough to pick on other kids when no one is around, so your child's teacher probably doesn't know this is happening. Make an appointment to talk to your child's teacher in private. Try to remain calm as you explain what your child has told you about the bullying and emphasize that you want to work with the teacher and other staff members to stop the bullying. Chances are, your child is not the only victim. Let school officials take responsibility for contacting the bully's parents because parent-to-parent contact in such situations can be counterproductive.
Parenting a Bully
If you learn that your child is bullying others, tell her clearly that bullying is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it. Because bullying is often a way to get attention or gain popularity, focus on things you can do to help your child build self-esteem so that she will no longer find it necessary or tempting to bully. You might, for example, get her involved in a club or a nonviolent sports activity. Talk frankly with your child's teacher and make clear that you want to work together to send a consistent message that the bullying must stop. Consider getting counseling for your child to help identify and address the underlying causes of the bullying behavior.
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