Relationship styles between grown children and parents vary widely among cultures, as well as between individual families in any particular culture. In the United States, the common assumption is that once a child has reached adulthood, he should be living completely independently, though this has been changing in recent years. Parents from less individualistic cultures might have unrealistic expectations regarding the degree of control they should have over their adult children. Conversely, an adult child may have difficulty separating normally from his parents, leading to adolescent-type rebellion at a later age.
Step 1
Find a therapist and discuss the problem with him. See if your expectations are too rigid, meaning that you have a need to control your son far beyond what's normative in this culture. If this is the case, analyze with your therapist what causes this need. Recognize the culture clash if you've immigrated from a different country. It's possible that what you perceive as rebellion is perfectly normal maturation. Conversely, your son may be troubled and may have difficulty living on his own. In this case, he might be unhappy with himself, and he might be taking his unhappiness out on you.
Step 2
Get your family together and discuss your relationship. Talk to your son. Find out what's bothering him. Try and figure out together if he's frustrated from failing to achieve independence, or if he's annoyed by your attempts to be overly controlling. Have this conversation in as calm an atmosphere as possible. Preface it by telling him how much you love him, and how much you want see him succeed in life. Consider visiting a therapist together. Having a neutral party in the room can help diffuse some of the tension.
Step 3
Rearrange your relationship. Once you've clarified together with your son where the problem lies, take action accordingly. Consider backing off from an over-controlling attitude and allowing your son to live his own life. Help your son as much as possible gain independence. If he's unemployed, encourage him to keep looking for a job. Help him with rent for a while, until he can save up enough to pay it on his own. If he's having problem with drugs and alcohol, help him find a good rehab facility. Don't encourage dependence, but don't abandon your son if he can't cope on his own.
Step 4
Accept that your son may have a different lifestyle than you, including a sexual preference you don't like. As Dr. Joshua Coleman explains on HuffingtonPost.com, criticizing your son for being gay is criticizing him for what he is. It won't help. It can only hurt your relationship. Accept that his choice of a partner, whether female or male, is his own. Don't criticize his choice.
Tips and Warnings
- You need to find the middle ground between helping him and letting him go.
- If your son's rebellion is violent, don't hesitate to call the police. This will not only protect you from harm, it will help him in the long run.
Member Comments