Children don't come with an instruction manual. One of the most difficult skills to learn is active listening, in which you listen to your child sympathetically and the communication goes two ways. According to the paper "Listening to Your Children," published by the U.K.-based National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, children who are properly listened to are "usually well-adjusted and self-confident, while those whose needs are ignored may be withdrawn or difficult or suffering from low self-esteem."
Listening to the pre-verbal child
You know what it's like. Some other mother or father tells you, "You just learn what the crying means: hunger, tiredness, teething, and so on." Except you don't. The good thing is, your baby will know your voice, and that will be of some comfort to him. Crying is his language, and even if you cannot interpret it, you can do all the checks for hunger, thirst, dirty diaper, too hot, too cold, etc. If your baby still cries, rock or cuddle him, or take him for a walk in the stroller or a drive in the car.
Active Listening
Listen attentively and actively once your child can talk. Don't bombard your child with questions. Watch for body language, and listen with interest so your child will feel comfortable confiding in you. According to Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, co-authors of the best-selling book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," the top rules of active listening include: listening quietly with full attention, using phrases of acknowledgement such as "Oh, I see," or "Hmmmm," trying to give his feeling a name if he can't. Say, for example, "You sound really angry," or "That sounds like it must be frustrating for you." Finally, show some sign of verbal affection for your child if he is sad. What is it he would really like? This is acknowledgement, not agreement. So it's fine to say that you hope he can work his way through this problem and that maybe you can help him, but it is not helpful to say, "Oh, it will all be fine." It's not specific enough and sounds as if you are preoccupied.
Give 100% attention
Show your child he has your full attention and you genuinely care. The U.K.-based parenting organization Talking Point has these suggestions. First, pay attention to your child's body language. What the body is saying might not be an accurate reflection of his words. Listen with an open mind. This means trying to see his point of view rather than the way things should be. Validate his feelings. You might not agree with him, but do say you can understand why he might feel that way. Finally, try to make the conversational atmosphere as relaxed as possible. Have the talk during a picnic or walk in the woods, or while baking his favorite cake. This will help him associate talking to you with a relaxing or happy time, so he is more likely to do it again.
Listening to teens
Many teenagers are uncommunicative with parents. If yours is feeling like talking, do listen, and listen actively. According to a paper, "Active Listening: A Communication Tool," published by the University of Florida IFAS Extension, active listening to a teen involves asking good questions, listening nonjudgmentally, paraphrasing what your teen says and empathizing. Good active listening means asking questions that are honest but not cruel. This means being clear: Paraphrase what she has said to you so she knows you understand or can correct you. Encourage her to come up with a solution. Say something like, "What do you think your choices are?" And gather information, because there are two sides to every story. So, if your child is telling you about a fight, ask,"What happened just before the fight?"
Good role modeling
Your child will learn to be a good listener if you are one yourself. According to the National Parent Information Network, this means being interested and attentive. Do not have the TV or radio on, and maintain eye contact. Do encourage your child to talk. This can be difficult with teenagers or if your child is not naturally forthcoming, but something as simple as "How has your day gone?" can open up the floodgates. Do not put words in his mouth. Sometimes it takes children and teens longer to articulate feelings. Be patient, and let it come from him. Talk to your child every day, and make special time for just you and him. If you are doing 50 things at once, he will think you are just going through the motions.
Pitfalls
When listening to your child, you should paraphrase, but don't repeat everything back like a parrot. This can be irritating, according to Faber and Mazlish. Also, sometimes a child can be clearly upset but not feel like talking. Just sit with him. Respond in a way that feels real to the child, that mirrors his feeling. If you feel strongly, say, if your child has been treated unjustly, don't show it. It's not helpful to get more angry or upset on his behalf than he is. Finally, active listening when you and your child are in a dispute can be very difficult because this is when you are most likely to lose your temper. So, if your child constantly throws dirty clothes on the floor, instead of losing it and shouting, "You always do this!" observe more passively and say, "I see your clothes are on the floor again. Please put them in the washing machine." This might not sound like "listening," but it will teach your child to listen better than if you just blow your stack when she repeats mistakes. Eventually you can use shorthand, such as "Clothes!" or "Wet towel." It will sink in.
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