The death of a loved one is a nearly universal human experience, and is the most common cause of grief. Because humans are psychologically similar to each other, most people experience grief in similar ways. If you are currently grieving, it may seem like your strong feelings are abnormal. Chances are, however, that you are simply undergoing a normal grief reaction.
Stages of Grief
Grief researchers have identified five stages of grief. Although these stages often occur in a particular order, not everyone experiences all of them, and not everyone experiences them sequentially, according to grief researchers Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. Nevertheless, it may be helpful to those who are grieving to identify which stage of grief they are experiencing. This may help you to anticipate and prepare for the next stage. Most of all, it will remind you that you are not alone--millions of people have undergone the same experience.
Shock and Numbness
The first reaction to news of the loss of a loved one is likely to be shock and numbness. These feelings can be particularly pronounced if the loss was sudden and unexpected. This is your mind's way of denying a loss that is, for the moment, too great for it to bear.
Rage
After your numbness wears off, you may experience a sense of rage. Your mind allows you to experience rage because it strengthens you and is easier to deal with than the underlying pain, according to Kubler-Ross and Kessler. Don't try to suppress your anger--it is important to experience it, because it is necessary for the healing process. Be careful not to express anger inappropriately against others, however.
Negotiating
If you believe in God, this stage may take the form of trying to bargain with God for the return of your loved one. If you are not a believer, you may still become temporarily lost in a thicket of recriminations, for example, "If only I had gotten to the phone a little bit faster...." This is your mind's reaction to a sense of powerlessness and an attempt to make sense out of something that is very difficult to accept and understand.
Depression
Once your mind returns to the present, you will probably experience a profound sense of sadness and emptiness. Your mind is finally ready to deal with the full weight of your loss. Depression is a completely normal and appropriate reaction to the loss of a loved one, and it is a necessary part of the healing process.
Acceptance
The final stage of the healing process is acceptance of the loss. This doesn't mean you are "okay" with it--you likely never will be. It simply means that you have discovered that you can live without your loved one, albeit with an abiding sense of loss. Despite your loss, it is possible for you to be happy again.
Coping
Coping skills are important when grieving, because they accelerate the healing process. One of the most important coping responses is connecting with others. Do not isolate yourself from family and friends, advises the Mayo Clinic. Consider joining a support group with other people suffering from grief. Pay particular attention to your health--get enough sleep, eat right and exercise, advises the Elisabeth Kubler-Ross Foundation. If you need an outlet for your feelings, write them down in a journal. Above all, don't be afraid to cry.
