Temper tantrums are normal in toddlers, because they are confronting a confounding new world. Above the age of 4, though, tantrums become "acting out"-- a term for a wide variety of disruptive, attention-seeking and, sometimes, self-destructive behaviors. Children and adolescents often act out because of feelings of unimportance and impotence. Adults can best help their children to avoid acting out by helping them recognize the triggers that begin the escalation that ends in acting out behavior. Managing these triggers effectively allows children the opportunity to think twice about their response.
Step 1
Explain to kids exactly what you expect from them; avoid complexity. Discuss chores and other expectations as if you were negotiating a contract. Remember that your child has either never done what you expect (put the DVDs back in alphabetical order) or may not understand the tasks involved (keep your room clean). If children feel free to ask questions and make counter-proposals, they may develop a personal stake in constructive participation that will become a habit.
Step 2
Pay attention to your children's concerns and never, ever let on that their concerns and worries are inconsequential compared to yours. Comfort them when they are frustrated. A broken dish may not be as important as making a mortgage payment in the grand scheme of life, but they find their predicaments as profoundly troubling as you do yours.
Step 3
Enforce regular sleeping schedules and meals. Confiscate cell phones and laptops at bedtime so texting, game-playing and social networking stops long before you get drowsy and nod off. Insist on a nutritious breakfast and dinner with the family no matter how adaptive you and the kids have to be to accomplish it. Well-rested and nourished bodies are less likely to resort to tantrums when faced with tasks that require patience and persistence.
Step 4
Look out for warning signs of acting out; arguing with adults, blaming others for his mistakes, spiteful or vindictive aggressive behaviors. React calmly and promptly. Let kids know that acting out is inappropriate but also that you are concerned and want to help. Consult with your health-care provider together to eliminate physical causes, like ADHD, autism and learning disabilities that can develop at any age. Help children cope with stressors like changes in family and environment that can trigger acting out behavior.
Step 5
Participate in your child's life. No matter how old a child is, her sense of self-worth is always dependent on her importance in her parent's life. Children's Memorial Hospital of Chicago recommends parenting classes to help learn to strengthen the bond between parent and child. The "Incredible Years Program" accomplishes this by classifying actions, such as paying active attention, and providing positive reinforcement as "deposits" in the bank of trust between parent and child that make it possible to "withdraw" credits by making demands or missing an event.
Tips and Warnings
- Behave consistently and have realistic expectations for kids, and they will respond positively. Stand your ground patiently, but firmly; kids should know you're supportive but they need to discover that acting out is the least appropriate way to respond to frustration.
- Never confront an acting-out child; it serves to aggravate and escalate the situation. Always give her the "space" to back away from a conflict.
