When your partner is grieving for someone, he needs your support more than usual. However, it may not always be easy to give your loved one what he needs. Often, the knee-jerk reaction that we have when a partner is hurting is to try to fix their hurt. However, according to Robbie Miller Kaplan, author of the book series "How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say," effective communication is key to being there for a grieving significant other.
Step 1
Remain near. Even though it may seem easier and more comfortable for you to maintain your distance from your grieving partner, he needs your presence more than ever now.
Step 2
Make specific appointments to visit with your grieving loved one, particularly if you don't already live together. Saying "Let's have lunch Thursday at 1 p.m." instead of "I'd like to see you soon" gives your partner something concrete to focus on.
Step 3
Allow your partner to determine the terms and scope of intimacy. It's fine to tell him that you desire him, but grief may leave him with little energy for physical and emotional intimacy. Help him get back in the swing of things by offering light physical touch such as hugs, kisses and massages with no expectations.
Step 4
Listen without interruption. Whether your partner is rehashing the details of her loved one's death or discussing her own feelings about the situation, the best thing you can do is be there for her. Do not offer comparisons to a similar situation you've been in or add negative energy to the conversation by bringing up the deceased's faults. Simply sit quietly, nodding or affirming with your voice occasionally.
Step 5
Ask your partner how you can help him. He may want you to attend grief counseling with him or help him sort out the deceased's affairs, but not know how to ask. However, be careful not to take over any activities or initiate any actions pertaining to his grief or the situation without his express approval. He needs to deal with these things on his own time.
Step 6
Be patient. Grief is a complex thing, and it takes time to overcome. As her partner, you'll be privy to more of your loved one's grief cycle than most others. Don't make comments like, "It's been months. Shouldn't you be over this by now?" There's no timetable for grief, and you must respect your partner's feelings.
References
- LegacyConnect: What to Say to a Grieving Spouse
- "How Can I Help?: How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving"; June Cerza Kolf; 1999
- eHarmony Advice: Helping a Partner Through Grief
- AskDrJackie.com: What to Say to Someone Who is Grieving
