One of the primary tasks that parents face is helping their children learn how to deal with their big feelings. Children enter the world as a bundle of feelings, needs and impulses. Born with no ability to self-monitor or self-regulate, children express and enact their feelings immediately, with no self-consciousness, nor with any sense of the impact of their expressions on themselves or on their social environment. As they grow older, they must learn how to monitor, interpret, regulate and direct their emotions so these feelings are not expressed in destructive ways, and so they can utilize the wisdom to be found in their emotions.
Step 1
Identify the emotions that burden your child or create problems. All children have positive and negative feelings. However, some children have difficulties because certain feelings are too intense, or because they express their feelings in maladaptive ways. For example, children who don't control their anger can develop maladaptive and destructive behaviors, according to author Henry Kellerman at Psychology Today. Angry children may engage in violent or aggressive behavior, and can develop patterns of defiance, misconduct and opposition in the long run, according to the Behavioral Neurotherapy Clinic. Whether it is anger, sadness, frustration, anxiety, fear or some other feeling, identify the particular emotions that are problematic for your child.
Step 2
Assess the severity and impact of your child's difficulties with these feelings. If the feelings cause significant disruption to her emotional or social functioning, consider obtaining a consultation from a pediatrician or counselor. Do some initial screening for emotional problems using online questionnaires available at Healthy Place or complete an initial mental health screening for your child online at Mass General. These online tools can help you determine if your child may need further medical or psychological evaluation.
Step 3
Help your child learn how to recognize his feelings and the behavior these feelings cause. Reflect back to your child the feelings you observe. For example, say, "You look a little sad" or, "You're acting mad. Are you angry?" Add behavioral observations. For example, say, "When you get mad you say things that are disrespectful" or, "You hide away in your room when you're sad."
Step 4
During your conversation, validate your child's feelings. Convey that you understand what she feels and why she feels that way. At the same time, don't encourage rumination or self-pity.
Step 5
Discuss with your child positive ways of dealing with the feelings. Explore ways that have helped your child in the past, and offer further ideas for ways to deal constructively with the feelings. For example, you might say, "In the past you usually feel better if you play with a friend." Positive coping strategies include talking with someone, exercise, physical activity, "sleeping on it," taking a time-out and finding enjoyable diversionary activity.
Step 6
Explore causes and foster insight. Talk about why your child feels the way she does. If there are specific problems, do problem solving together. Offer interpretations and explanations for your child's feelings. Spritz these explanations with positive attitude. For example, point out how she tends to become moody or anxious when tired, fatigued or hungry, or note how she is going through some new challenges and should feel better as she develops new routines.
Step 7
Model positive coping in your own life. Don't expect your child to become a master of his emotions if you are out of control yourself. Show it is OK to feel and express emotions, but demonstrate for your child how to face emotional adversity with strength and hope.
