Guilt Over Not Taking Care Of Elderly Relatives

In most cultures, we are supposed to want to take care of our parents when they get old, Dr. Roberta Satow points out in her 2006 book "Doing the Right Thing: Taking Care of Your Elderly Parents Even if They Didn't Take Care of You." When these expectations are mingled with feelings of not wanting to take care of our elderly relatives, many people will try to protect their own lives by refusing the caregiver role---usually resulting in a heavy dose of guilt.

Too Much Responsibility

One way to help manage your guilt is by facing the fact that taking care of elderly relatives is time-consuming, emotionally stressful and often expensive. It requires you to spend time taking care of their physical and emotional needs, plus managing their financial obligations, legal matters and estate maintenance. Many people are too overwhelmed by all these factors to take it on.

Oftentimes elderly people have high expectations of what their children or other relatives should do to help them. It's important to be assertive in meeting your own needs while helping out as much as you are able. The Mayo Clinic advises figuring out "what you can do to help care for your loved one and fulfill your personal obligations."

Preparation

Feelings of guilt can cause you to procrastinate from making a decision about how to help elderly parents. This procrastination can not only magnify your guilt but also bring on heavier responsibilities when the time actually comes. A "U.S. News & World Report" article on caring for aging parents says that "avoidance can thrust adult children into the caregiver role with a shotgun start," since instances such as a broken hip can immediately require the need for a full-time caregiver. Researching estate care, financial concerns and what's involved in providing physical and mental care for an aging relative can help you relieve feelings of guilt and prepare for the future.

Caregiver Depression

A common side effect of caring for elderly relatives is referred to by The Mayo Clinic as "caregiver depression." Resulting from the physical and emotional stress of being in charge of an elderly and often sick relative, caregivers many times put their relative's needs in front of their own, creating guilt and stress in their own family. Feeling pulled in too many directions can result in abandoning the elderly to nursing homes or other relatives, creating even more guilt.

Procrastination

Many times people excuse their guilty feelings about not taking on a caretaker role by telling themselves they'll become a caregiver later. "USA Today" reported that "of those who are not caring for an aging parent, 37 percent say they expect to do so in the future." Often that "future" never comes, and the nagging short-term guilt over not caring for a relative can turn into stronger, lasting feelings of guilt if the relative passes away.

Try

If your feelings of guilt are strong enough to warrant a change, Satow recommends making a list of the things you can do to help---and starting slowly. Be careful not to take on too much, and don't be afraid to ask for help from other relatives. Satow recognizes that the "most difficult part of caregiving is the reemergence of feelings from our childhood," bringing many siblings and other relatives into conflict about what their responsibilities should be in terms of financial and time obligations. Counselors can often help place the reemerged feelings into healthier personal categories and aid in finding ways to communicate about task assignments.