Teaching moral behavior to children is an ongoing process. Parents can arm themselves with tools to facilitate the process, such as defining their family's moral values and learning parenting techniques. Equipped with these parenting skills and values, parents can raise children who make ethical decisions. Success will not happen overnight. "Moral thinking comes in stages ... and their motivation for being good changes as they grow," says Jerome Kagan, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Harvard University.
Moral Parenting
When children are very young, they do not know how decide between their conflicting desires, which can lead to peer pressure. One dilemma is deciding between breaking the rules to be accepted by the group, or making a morally conscious decision. "Kids have a natural desire to be good, but it's harder for them when they see other children breaking the rules," says Kagan. Teaching morality to children aims to help them develop a conscience that guides them to choose moral behavior, even when everyone else is behaving badly. Developing a conscience takes years of reinforcement and should be a daily part of your child's life. When you read or watch TV together, suggests Barbara Unell, cocreator of a Kansas education program Kindness Is Contagious ... Catch It!, ask your child questions about the characters' behavior to help them clarify their own views.
Spiritual Community
A child exists in many communities simultaneously: a family community, a school community, a civic community and possibly even a religious community. A religious group can be valuable for children to learn about morals in a supportive group setting. "A lot of people think church is a building where you go to hear a sermon and then you go home. But the biblical concept of church is that it's a community. So every Sunday after worship we'll hang out or have lunch with various members of our church." says Reverend Chris Tang, rector at St. George's Episcopal Church, in Hampstead, Maryland.
Cultural Tolerance
One obstacle parents may encounter teaching morality to children is cultural intolerance. Children, in their quest to learn about belonging to groups and acceptable social norms, may insensitively point out the differences in others because they have not yet learned empathy skills. They may repeat negative comments or jokes without understanding them. Explain the reasons discriminatory comments are wrong, and expose them to people, books, toys, songs and games that represent a diverse range of cultural communities.
Family Rules
As children develop, they should understand your family's expectations. Create a family bill of rights that includes expected behavior in common situations, such as sharing and being honest with friends. Demonstrate the rules by providing scenarios and expected responses. For example, you could prepare them for a friend's arrival by telling them they should share their toys, and if there is something they do not want their friend to play with, they should put it away before their friend comes over, according to website Parenting.com.
Handling Setbacks
If you become discouraged when your children make immoral choices, you are not alone. According to a study by Public Agenda, only 34 percent of parents feel successful teaching their kids self-control and self-discipline, reports Parents.com. "There's no need to panic," says Parents adviser Michele Borba, Ed.D. "A child's moral growth is an ongoing process, and all kids slip up from time to time." When you do experience setbacks, see the child's mistake as a teachable moment. Identify the deficiency in their moral training, and teach them the corresponding skill they will need in future situations.
Parenting Style
The best parenting techniques combine demandingness and responsiveness, according to The Council for Spiritual and Ethical Education. Demandingness refers to the way parents use power and modify their child's behavior to fit their family's values. Responsiveness refers to the way parents communicate love, balance their children's needs for protection and independence. According to Diana Baumrind, Ph.D., a professor of Child Development at the University of California, Berkeley, children raised with a parenting style that balances both elements listen to "their inner voice that speaks to them before they act," an essential tool for making moral choices.
References
- Parenting: How to Teach Kids to Be Good (When Everyone Else Is Being Bad) Age-by-age strategies for helping your little one do the right thing; October 2004
- Parents: Raising Spiritual Kids Children of all ages need a sense of purpose and meaning in their lives; Sharlene K. Johnson; 2010
- Parents: Everyday Ways to Teach Values; Vicky Mlyniec; 2004
- "Parenting for Moral Growth": The Council for Spiritual and Ethical Education; Spring 2008
