"Friendships are wonderful and life affirming. If we're lucky, each one provides us with new wisdom so they get better and better," says psychologist Irene S. Levine, author of "Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend." If you've been ugly to your friend, use the experience as a lesson in taking personal responsibility. To make it up to a friend after being mean, you'll have to show her how much she means to you.
Step 1
Make contact with your friend by calling her on the phone or stopping by her house. Think about your opening line before making contact, and have an idea of what you'd like to say to her. Let her know right away that you care about the friendship, advises Paulette Dale, Ph.D., author of the book " 'Did You Say Something, Susan?': How Any Woman Can Gain Confidence with Assertive Communication." Try saying something along the lines of, "I was wrong to be mean to you. Our friendship means a lot to me."
Step 2
Take responsibility for your behavior, advises Levine. If you were mean to your friend, don't make excuses. Apologize humbly for being mean to offer the olive branch to your friend.
Step 3
Show your friend in "some small but concrete way" that you want to make it up to him, advises Levine. Send him a thoughtful card, or invite him over for dinner. Make him a special mix CD of songs about friendship. Don't spend a lot of money on gifts--remember that the gesture should remain important.
Step 4
Show sensitivity to your friend's feelings, and understand that forgiveness may not come instantly. Tell her you understand why she's upset, and tell her you also understand that forgiveness may take time. Let her know you'll be there for her when she's ready to talk, and that you're willing to work through the problem.
Step 5
Reinforce the positive aspects of your friendship. Talk about the qualities that make him such a good friend. Tell him all the reasons you're glad to have him in your life.
Step 6
Invite her out for a friendship-bonding day, when she's ready. Pick an activity you know she likes, or a place you've experienced fun and memorable times together in the past. Tell her, "I'd really like the chance to make this up to you. Remember how much fun we had that time at the beach? How about we go do that again, when you're ready, and put all this ugliness behind us?"
Tips and Warnings
- "Try to think objectively and make sure that you really want to mend the friendship," advises Levine. "Your latest tiff may just be a sign that the relationship has been doomed for a while."
- Don't blame your friend for your actions, unless you want your apology to turn into an argument. Don't pester your friend. If she decides she doesn't want to be friends anymore, you must accept this and move on.
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