Families are intricate puzzles. The dynamics between siblings especially can be byzantine. According to MIT psychology professor Steven Pinker, it is not clear how or why strife erupts between siblings, whether through rivalry or differential treatment by parents. If intense enough, however, sibling warfare can have a negative impact on the whole family, and the time will come to seek a workable compromise.
Compromise strikes a middle ground between fighting and withdrawing, and leads to a partial fulfillment of the needs, concerns, and goals of both parties. In essence, compromise is not necessarily about confronting issues or changing behavior. Nobody gets exactly what he wants in a compromise. However, in the case of sibling discord, compromise creates a way to preserve and maintain contact with the family as a whole.
Step 1
Suggest the compromise as something you both can come to mutually. Professor Samuel Gladding, chairman of the counseling department at Wake Forest University, offers the phrase, "I'd like to see if there is something we can do to resolve this."
Step 2
Speak in a way that doesn't accuse. According to Gladding, this can ease tension and bridge the gap in communication.
Step 3
Talk about the things you feel are missing as a result of being in a feud, as opposed to being part of a family. Specify how the problem with your sibling has affected your life.
Step 4
Keep the conversation plain, says Tommie V. Boyd, a professor of family therapy. For example, say to the sibling, "I miss you in my life. I'd really like us to find a compromise."
Step 5
Have another family member join the conversation to act as a shock absorber. Gladding believes this person should be an elder, since elders typically have the most influence in the family and are often more motivated to find a compromise for the sake of family harmony.
Tips and Warnings
- Gladding suggests composing a letter without seditious language that clearly states your desire to get the problem behind you, so both of you can move on and join the rest of the family. You may not like each other, but you may be able to compromise enough to be civil at family gatherings.
- Avoid words like "should," "must" and "ought," says Boyd, as these tend to inflame the situation.
Things You'll Need
- A neutral meeting place
- Time to discuss
- Other family members
References
- Boston.com: Sibling Rivalry: Why the Nature/Nurture Debate Won't Go Away
- Ag Decision Maker: Resolving Family and Business Conflicts
- "Sunday Gazette-Mail"; Family Feud? How to Restore Your Crumbling Clan"; Judy Hevrdejs; February 2010
