His lips are moving, and words are spewing, but it sounds more like Charlie Brown's teacher to you than understandable dialogue. According to Kathy Walker, author of "Communication Basics," people send 100 to 300 messages per day, but you believe less than 15 percent, and remember less than 10 percent of what is said to you. Communication builds trust and respect, fosters learning and realizes goals. Effective communication encompasses both verbal and non-verbal strategies for full therapeutic benefit.
Listen Actively
Ever feel like someone listening to you must have covered their ears, closed their eyes, and been singing "La, la, la, la?" Generally, people hear only half of what is said to them. According to experts at the University of Maine Cooperative Extension, listening tops the list of therapeutic communication styles, more important than expressing yourself verbally or non-verbally. Active listening helps you assess the situation correctly, reduces defensiveness of the speaker, avoids the need for them to repeat the information, reduces emotions that block clear thinking and most importantly, helps the speaker feel cared about and understood.
Describe
Find yourself wanting to "give him a piece of your mind?" Most often, this results in the listener becoming defensive and angry. Judgments are short-cuts to descriptions. For example, "You're incompetent" is a short-cut to, "You didn't complete that task as I instructed." Marsha Linehan, author of the interpersonal effectiveness module of dialectical behavior therapy, suggests describing instead of judging. Frequently-used judgment words to avoid include "should/shouldn't," "bad/good," and "wrong/right."
Use "I" Statements
Experiment: Eavesdrop on a conversation between two people,and count the number of "yous" you hear. Chances are you'll be counting toes. Marsha Linehan, professor of psychology at the University of Washington, suggests using "I" statements to reduce defensiveness of the listener. Using "I need," "I would like," or "I feel" allows you to own your feelings and needs, reducing the likelihood of arguments and increasing the likelihood of you being heard and getting your needs met.
Validate
Validating someone allows them to feel understood. Acknowledging their thoughts, feelings or opinions about a situation by finding the "nugget of truth" in what they are saying and agreeing with it relaxes them: "You are really upset by that" or "It makes sense that you'd be worried." Validating doesn't require agreeing with or approving of all of what the speaker is saying. Use validation followed by "and" instead of "but." "But" tends to negate everything preceding it, leaving the listener feeling unheard.
Be a Broken Record
Ever "wake up" in the middle of an argument, wondering how you got there? Sometimes when you describe or express a feeling about someone's behavior, he derails the conversation by focusing on an irrelevant part of the conversation, or by bringing up past situations. Marsha Linehan suggests staying mindful of the goal of the conversation, and using the "broken record" technique, redirecting the conversation to the original goal, over and over if necessary: "That sounds really important to you (validation), and right now we're talking about coming home on time, not me yelling at you last week (broken record)."
Negotiate
Be willing to give to get. Focus on how to make this a win-win situation, so that both of you get most of what you both want. Negotiations can be big or small. Linehan suggests determining what can be sacrificed, then offering that: "I can't watch Jimmy tomorrow afternoon, but I can keep him for a while on Friday. Perhaps you could rearrange the appointment for Friday so you don't have to take him with you." Or: "I can't babysit for hours tomorrow afternoon, but I could meet you there and keep him in the waiting area for 45 minutes when you are in your appointment."
Reinforce
Who doesn't want to feel good all of the time? That's human nature. Linehan suggests considering, "What's in it for them?" if the listener complies with your request, and then pointing this out: "If you walk the dog like you agreed, the dog will feel more calm and you can relax here at home tonight without him jumping all over you. You'll also feel better because you kept your agreement."
References
- The University of Maine Cooperative Extension: Effective Communication
- "Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder"; Marsha Linehan, PhD.; 1993
