Every child needs to be redirected from time to time---but some behaviors can test even the most patient parents. Kathryn Kvols, president of the International Network for Children and Families, and author of "Redirecting Children's Behavior," points out that successfully redirecting a child's behavior requires decoding the situation to determine your child's unmet needs, then meeting or redirecting them.
Check Your Emotional State
Your emotional state largely determines the direction of your child's behavior. Kvols says, "Parents who are stressed tend to be less emotionally available for their children and less tolerant of the challenges of children's behaviors, and therefore cause the situation to escalate more often." Determine your state of mind and emotions before responding to your child. If you are not calm, loving and accepting, do something such as breathing, counting or taking a break, to center yourself. Once in a compassionate state of mind, survey the child's need---use gentle touch and a friendly tone, and move to the child's eye level.
Determine Unmet Needs
Take a moment to determine whether your child has unmet physical needs such as sleep, food or treatment for illness. Determine if he has the need to belong, to be taught a skill, feel loved, valuable, respected or to experiment and explore. Kvols points out that there is no single disciplinary method that works in all situations, and she adds, "You must take time to think about why your child is misbehaving in order to determine what method to use." Identify what goal your child has in mind before you react.
Determine the Mistaken Goal
Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, author of "Children the Challenge" outlines the mistaken goals of attention, power, revenge and avoidance. Your child will often turn to a mistaken goal to meet her unmet need. Identify the mistaken goal, note your child's behavior in response to your action, and your emotional response to it. If your child's annoying behaviors temporarily stop when you give attention, and you feel annoyed or feel the need to remind or coax your child, then the mistaken goal is attention. If his behaviors intensifies when you reprimand, and you feel provoked, challenged and the need to prove your power, deem power the mistaken goal. If she seems to want to get even or make herself unlikable, and you feel hurt or angry, consider that she is trying to get her need met by acting out in revenge. If she is passive or withdrawn when you reprimand, and you feel despair or pity, think avoidance as the mistaken goal.
Meet the Unmet Need or Redirect the Behavior
To effectively redirect attention, Kvols suggests avoiding eye contact and speaking, and using soothing touch to help your child feel loved, like gently caressing his head or cheek. For power, offer choices and use friendly eye contact, sidestep power struggles---and offer your child useful ways of feeling powerful. For revenge, do not hurt back, reestablish the relationship, make amends and use logical consequences that are not punishing. To redirect avoidance, don't coax or show pity. Instead, arrange for small successes, avoid doing things for the child that they are capable of doing themselves, and help them redirect their limiting self talk.
Prevent Misbehavior
Know your child. Know her behavior when she is tired, hungry, sick or needs love. Kvols states that transitions, over-stimulation, bright lights, being hurried, change in routine and invaded space commonly challenge a child. Avoid over-scheduling, identify precipitating factors, notify your child of changes ahead of time, create rituals and routines---and teach your child to communicate her needs directly. Kvols also stresses the importance of nurturing yourself, so you are prepared to handle inevitable parenting challenges.
