Every parent faces it. At some point, your child is defiant. Children's temperaments can differ significantly. Some are complacent, and some are strong-willed. However, if you have a consistently defiant child, there are strategies you can adopt that may help you parent more effectively.
Identification
When asked to do something, the defiant child is likely to do the opposite and can be stubborn or argumentative. While this is true of all children at times, the defiant child exhibits these behaviors more often than his peers. He may be resistant to change as well as being persistent and a perfectionist.
Praise
Paying attention to negative behaviors can increase them. Dr. Alan Kazdin of the Yale University Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic recommends that parents look for and reward good behavior. Catch your child doing something good and immediately remark on it. Be as specific as possible so that your child will want to repeat the positive behavior and be praised again. In this way, you can gently guide your child to be less defiant.
Parent Support
Parenting a defiant child can be stressful for parents. Because a defiant child can often be out of control and disobedient, she needs parents who are calm and nurturing. However, the behaviors of a defiant child can take a toll on her parents' mental health and even their marriage. This stress can put parents at odds with each other as they try to find effective parenting strategies.
Parents may seek outside support and intervention. Counseling and therapy for both the parents and the child can provide guidance so that the family dynamic is more positive. The goal is to have the important people in the child's life feel strong and supported so that the child has the same set of rules, expectations and parenting strategies.
Tips
When defiant behavior happens, there are some immediate strategies you can use. Remain calm, and determine ahead of time what you will do so that you don't blow up. Some people count to 10 before responding. Remind yourself that your child isn't bad. It's the behavior that is unpleasant.
Give age-appropriate consequences for the misbehavior, and be consistent about discipline. Finally, review the incident and think about what may have triggered your child. For example, if a particular situation consistently seems to make your child more defiant, perhaps he is fearful or anxious. Understanding the reason may help you mitigate the situation and solve the defiance.
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Though all children have defiant moments, if there is a consistent pattern of defiant behavior that appears worse than other children and affects your child's social or academic abilities, he may have oppositional defiant disorder, according to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. If you suspect your child has this disorder, consult a health-care provider for an evaluation and appropriate referral.
References
- Family Education: Identifying Your Child's Personality Type
- ABC News Primetime: 10 Tips for Parents of Defiant Children
- Raise Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice: Parenting Challenging Children
- Virginia Coalition for Child Abuse Prevention: Handling Defiant Children
- American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry: Children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder
