Avoiding "frenemies" and developing true friendships can be challenging, especially for adults with obligations to family and work. The term "frenemy" refers to an acquaintance who gives the impression of being a friend, but who undermines your self esteem, often in subtle ways, according to Andrea Lavinthal and Jessica Rozler, authors of "Friend or Frenemy: a Guide to the Friends You Need and the Ones You Don't." Following a few strategies can help you make wise choices when making new friends.
Differentiate Friends from "Frenemies"
Determine whether you're dealing with a friend or a "frenemy." Backhanded compliments like "I'm surprised by how well that outfit looks on someone your size," or if you feel worse rather than better at the end of a telephone call may be signs that you have a "frenemy" rather than a true friend, Lavinthal and Rozler warn. Sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference, because friends sometimes have off-days, or irritating habits. However, if a so-called friend is never truly supportive when you're having a hard time, or if she makes comparisons that are always unfavorable toward you, your relationship may be more toxic than nurturing.
Reliability is a major foundation for friendship. A true friend is available when you need a shoulder to cry on or a sympathetic ear at 2 a.m., according to the Rev. Rowland Croucher. A friend must earn your trust to keep a confidence, and refrain from revealing potentially embarrassing information. A friendship should not end over a misunderstanding without an attempt to make things right, according to Croucher.
Establish a Solid Basis for Friendship
Cultivate new friends through sharing common interests, particularly those where you see the same people continuously, advises Joanna Goddard in "Glamour" magazine. If you do, you will have a ready topic of conversation and the luxury of time to get to know one another. Volunteering is an ideal means of meeting people with common interests and developing friendships, according to Helpguide.org.
Maintain friendships by making time to get together, preferably face-to-face. Online social networks can be excellent for re-establishing contact with people you haven't seen since grade school, as long as they don't replace in-person interactions, writes Elizabeth Bernstein in the "Wall Street Journal." You need friends who can drive you to the emergency room if you break your arm or close the windows in your bedroom if you're away from home when a sudden storm erupts, according to author Marla Paul in "Parents" magazine.
Make the effort to keep in touch. Almost anyone can squeeze in a quick email message or a short coffee date. With long-distance friendships, make the trip to attend major events such as weddings, if possible, and see one another at least occasionally, Paul suggests. Men as well as women should make friendship a priority.
References
- Glamour: Reader's Dilemma--"I Don't Have Any Close Female Friends. How Can I Make Some?"
- Parents: Making and Keeping Friends as an Adult
- Cosmopolitan: Exclusive Friend or Frenemy Sneak Peek
- MyOptumHealth.com: How's It Going? Ways Men Can Develop and Maintain Friendships
- Wall Street Journal: How Facebook Ruins Friendships
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