In their Marriage Preparation series, the University of Florida Cooperative Extension Service emphasizes the importance of healthy communication in a successful marriage. Communication is a three-step process that includes listening, understanding what you've heard, and expressing yourself. A problem at any point in this process can cause misunderstandings between spouses which may ultimately lead to emotional withdrawal and a decline in intimacy. Learning healthy communication techniques can help you to navigate marital challenges and improve the emotional bond in your marriage.
Mirroring
Listening may be the most important step in effective communication between spouses, and it is often the place where communication breaks down. Certified Imago therapist Mary Simon, Ph.D. recommends a communication technique known as "mirroring" to help couples develop effective listening skills.
In the mirroring technique, you and your spouse take turns speaking and listening. As the listening spouse, you concentrate on keeping your focus totally on what your spouse is saying. When your spouse finishes, you then repeat back to your spouse what was said in your own words. Your spouse will correct any misunderstandings after you've expressed what you think was said. Once both feel that you've correctly expressed what was said, your spouse will take a turn as the listener while you express your feelings or concerns about the subject. Mirroring ensures that you and your spouse feel that both viewpoints have been heard.
Using "I" Statements
The University of Florida Cooperative Extension indicates that learning to express yourself "clearly, honestly, and as positively as you can" is another important step in learning to communicate effectively with your spouse. Using the "I" statements technique can help you avoid blaming or criticizing your partner by keeping your focus on expressing how you feel and how you may be affected by your spouse's behavior.
"I" statements consist of three parts: how you feel, the specific behavior that triggers this feeling, and the reason for your feelings. For example, if you often argue about housework, your "I" statement might say, "I feel angry when you don't offer to wash the dishes because keeping the house tidy is important to me." Using "I" statements is helpful in stopping the argument cycle that is created when spouses feel attacked or criticized in tense conversations.
Empathy
Empathizing with your spouse demonstrates that you not only understand what your spouse is expressing to you, but that you also care about your spouse's feelings. You can practice empathy in any conversation with your spouse by taking a moment to consider and then expressing how a situation or action may make your spouse feel.
For example, after your wife tells you about a difficult conversation with her mother, you might practice expressing empathy by saying, "When your mom compares you to her friend's daughter, I understand that you may feel your mom is disappointed in you." Expressing empathy is a helpful technique for nurturing the emotional bond between you and your spouse.
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