Love between family members is a powerful force, but rules are necessary to keep communication positive when people are living in close quarters. According to educational consultant James Stenson, clear but flexible rules and standards of family communication can help children grow in responsibility, perseverance and consideration for others.
Rule 1: Solve Problems Collaboratively
You may know what you want a family member to do, but it's important to know why she doesn't want to do it instead of insisting on your point of view. Dr. Ross Greene, associate professor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, advocates an approach called "collaborative problem solving" in which everyone's concerns are heard and taken into account, even the concerns of young children. A child who refuses to clean her room may be refusing for many reasons. She may resent the intrusion in what she believes is her private space, or she may want to have more time to talk to friends, or she may not yet have the cognitive skills to understand how to clean her room quickly and efficiently. If the child's concerns are taken seriously, it becomes possible to brainstorm a solution together. Invite your child to help come up with solutions that address her own needs as well as yours.
Rule 2: Stay Calm
Children learn by example. If you often express anger at your children for defying your commands and expectations, you are unwittingly teaching that anger is the right way to get your needs met. Ditto for anger expressed between parents. The children may well be learning and observing, even if you think they're out of earshot. Give yourself a time out when interactions with another family member become so frustrating that you can't contain your feelings. Let that person know that you're too angry to talk and that you need to calm yourself before continuing the conversation. That way, you'll be modeling a constructive approach to problem solving. In addition to time outs for yourself, Dr. Jeremy Jewell of Southern Illinois University's Department of Psychology recommends relaxation techniques such as counting to 10 or deep breathing before speaking when anger threatens to flare. Share these strategies with your children, and make staying calm during contentious conversations a family rule.
Rule 3: Share the Information Everybody Needs
Miscommunication is an inevitable part of life, but it can be curtailed to some degree if you establish a family rule to share the information that everybody needs for life to run smoothly. If adults get into this practice, they're more credible when they ask their children to follow suit. If you are looking forward to a family dinner with Grandma on Friday night, let your children know ahead of time so that they can plan to be there. Similarly, if your child has a soccer game that she wants you to attend, encourage her to let you know far ahead of time so that you can schedule that family dinner for another evening. Keep the information flowing freely and your child will follow suit.
