The Psychology of Divorce

Overview

Mediators at the American Institute of Mediation (AIM) say that professionals involved in the divorce process need to understand the psychology of divorce and the family dynamics that are affected by the separation. By seeing the entire family and how the divorce affects the whole, attorneys and social workers can better understand the causes of the distress and arguments put forth by the couple. A family cannot merely dissolve, but usually goes through a transformation and becomes reorganized.

Warning

While a divorce is final when the judge signs the papers, the process of a divorce often goes on for years prior to the final judgment. Spouses go through a typical set of feelings that range from disappointment and anxiety to dissatisfaction and alienation. Usually one spouse begins the process of questioning the relationship because of the negative feelings. The spouse who originates a divorce often has had time to process the emotions in order to come to a conclusion that divorce is needed. Meanwhile, the other spouse may later experience those same feelings after the papers are filed, leading to a breakdown in the emotional preparedness of each partner at the time of the divorce proceeding.

Theories

The psychology of the economics of a divorce also plays a large role in how the participants behave during the divorce proceedings. One or both parties may be driven by fear of economic insecurity, while the other partner reels from the implications of splitting the household. Uncertainty about finances can add to the pot of frustrations and anger that each party brings to the divorce. Couples who seemed to be in agreement about all other aspects of the divorce may find themselves in tumultuous negotiation when it comes to money.

Effects

Friends and extended family members often are drawn into the psychology of a divorce and forced to take sides. While stories of the other partner increase and grow more disturbing, familial concerns enter into the fray, creating additional stress for each party and the children. Friends and family may close their circle to protect what they believe is the aggrieved spouse. Alienation continues as the wronged spouse is drawn closer into the circle of protection. The social networks of each spouse become part of the divorce, bringing more psychological dynamics into the process.

Expert Insight

Psychotherapist Cynthia Shifrin reports, in an article on Divorce Net, that divorce often uncovers unresolved issues in one or both parties. Feelings of abandonment from childhood may resurface. Unresolved anger at parents or friends may be transferred onto the spouse. Professionals dealing with divorced individuals should look for other reasons for any mental concerns rising from a divorce proceeding to help each partner move on and gain stability.

Consideratiions

While children are usually victims in divorce proceedings, often they have inadvertently contributed to the dysfunction that tore apart the primary relationship between the mother and father, report specialists at the AIM. Relationships are circular in families, say AIM practitioners, and must be recognized when dealing with the family dynamics. The behavior problems of children can create conflict within the marriage and the family that must be taken into consideration when dealing with the psychology behind the divorce. Understanding the dynamics that have been affecting the family can help to work through child custody issues as well as provide insight as to the origin of the couple's anger and loyalties.