Fairy tales are full of the promise that there is a "happily ever after" to be found in the perfect partner. However, these stories usually end at the joyous event of a wedding day where the happy couple promises to love each other forever. In truth, the stories are ending where they should begin. "Happily ever after" is a the result of much more than physical attraction and shared goals; to experience a satisfying and enriching relationship with your spouse, communication lines need to be maintained for ultimate interpersonal satisfaction. Working together to keep communication effective can truly lead to the "happily ever after" promised in the fairy tales.
Significance of Differences
The study of neuro-psychology indicates that men and women use different parts of the brain for similar tasks showing that they process information in different ways. Understanding this biological difference can help reduce tension when ways of doing things or points of view differ. Partners who can talk about these differences without judgment are less likely to experience stress when these differences occur. Remember that there is always more than one way to do something in which the outcome is effective. Practicing non-judgment is a silent communication skill that couples can find helpful when differences occur.
Benefits of Lists
Using lists can be helpful for couples who are working on communication. It is common for couples to assume the other person knows how they are feeling; however, being married does not come with the gift of telepathy. If you want your spouse to understand what you need out of your relationship together, make a regular date to create a list of things that you need out of your relationship. Create the list together, talking about each item as you write it down. You may find that your partner has needs that are also being neglected. This practice of emotional list designing is intended to be an ongoing reassessment of personal need. When married couples understand what it is their partner wants out of the relationship, they are more likely to come through with shining colors for increased satisfaction.
Significance for Sexual Pleasure
Sexuality is a fundamental part of married life. However, time can erode excitement, which can lead to a lack of sexual communication as well as a decline in understanding for each other. Stoking the fire of relationship doesn't begin between the covers, but can often lead to increased arousal. Take time each day to notice the efforts your spouse makes. They don't have to be big things, but taking the time to lovingly notice who your spouse is can ignite feelings of warmth, translating into more receptivity in the bedroom. Don't be afraid to tell your partner what kinds of intimacy you enjoy most; one of the benefits of a lifetime partnership is the comfortable exploration that comes from loving someone you are familiar with.
Effects of Negativity
Bickering is a phenomenon that works like a virus. Once bickering becomes an accepted practice in a relationship, it spreads to the entire family system. Practice the intention of only speaking to your spouse in a manner you like to be spoken to. Avoid cut-downs, negativity and dismissal and replace them with constructive criticisms, positive spins and acceptance. Try speaking to your partner with a smile on your face, and see how much more receptive he is to what you are saying. The old adage of catching more flies with honey than vinegar is wisdom that stands through time.
Offering Feedback
According to relationship specialist Ty Clement, an effective way to communicate about an issue you may have with your spouse is through the use of a three to one technique. For any constructive criticism you may have to offer your spouse, first give three sincere positive feedback points. Keep your intention positive and use "I statements," such as "I feel frustrated when the garbage doesn't get taken out on tim." instead of "you statements" like "You never take the garbage out!" Using positive feedback for things you appreciate lessens the sting when a constructive statement is made. Always make time to ensure that both of you get to engage in this process to keep it fair.
Keep It Civil
Any relationship that uses emotional, psychological or physical abuse is in need of in depth relationship counseling if the relationship is to safely continue. Do not hesitate to look for a qualified practitioner to help build communication skills if your relationship is suffering.
References
- "Being Ourself"; Ty Clement; 2009
- "Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict "; Jonathan Robinson;1997
- "Natural Mental Health"; Carla Wills-Brandon; 2006
- "Why Can't You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship"; Bernstein and Magee ; 1993
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