Fighting with kids over house rules, chores or behavioral issues can be both frustrating and exhausting. While it may be tempting to end the argument by firmly insisting that you are the parent and therefore your word goes, taking the time to negotiate and resolve the conflict teaches your child important skills and helps them to respect your boundaries. It may be impossible to calmly work through every disagreement you have with your kids, but choosing certain arguments and negotiating a compromise can make life easier on both of you.
Step 1
Choose the appropriate time and place to negotiate. Trying to reason with your kindergartner when he is cranky and needs a nap will probably be a waste of time, but talking to your child about breaking a rule when he is well-rested and knows he was going against your instructions is more likely to be productive.
Step 2
Phrase the issue in a way that puts the child in your shoes. PBS Parents recommends explaining your point of view by explaining why your child can't go to the park right now, instead of just saying she can't go. Similarly, if your child does not want to eat a vegetable you prepared, ask what kind of vegetable she would prefer. Asking kids to offer a solution or understand why you made a certain rule puts them in a cooperative position instead of a combative one.
Step 3
Reason through the problem with your child, discussing the specific problem, how he feels about it and the different ways he could react. Ohio State University Extension recommends talking through the problem by encouraging kids to focus on the goal, so he can choose the most effective and fair way to get what he--and you--wants. They give the example of asking your child to find a way that both he and his playmate have enough space to play with their toys, so your child can focus on a solution instead of being angry that he didn't have enough space.
Step 4
Listen to your child's ideas and take her thoughts into consideration. Letting kids know that they are heard can go a long way. Encourage her to offer new ideas for household rules that commonly cause problems, and help her see why the rules were chosen in the first place. Let her talk about why she is angry when a conflict arises, and then ask her to think about the best way she could deal with that anger, or the best way you could help her to resolve the problem. Asking for the child's input requires her to participate in solving the problem instead of just causing it, and it helps her feel that her opinions are valued.
