Although you may feel trapped and isolated in an abusive marriage, assistance and resources are available. If your abuser refuses to seek professional help to change his abusive ways, the most advisable course of action is to leave. In the meantime, utilize coping skills to make the situation as tolerable as possible while you develop an escape plan for yourself and your children.
Coping with an Abusive Partner
Until you can actually leave an abusive partner, avoid escalating the situation if possible. Don't use your home computer to send or receive sensitive messages, including online banking for accounts your husband doesn't know about. He may be monitoring your email accounts or have tracking software installed on the computer. If you must use your home computer, erase your browsing history every time you access the Internet, and change the passwords on your email accounts often, according to the National Center for the Victims of Crime and Helpguide.org. He may also monitor your home phone or your personal cell phone, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website
In the meantime, seek counseling for yourself, including victim advocates, domestic violence centers in the area or rape crisis centers. Find a "safe" area of the house where no weapons are accessible and go there when violence is imminent, the National Domestic Violence Hotline recommends. Instruct your children to stay out of harm's way---teach them a signal to leave the room or go for help. If violence is unavoidable, make yourself as small a target as possible: curl up into a ball and protect your face with your arms.
Develop an Escape Plan
Have money, car keys, clothing for yourself and your children and essential documents, such as birth certificates and bank statements, hidden in a safe place in your home or with a trusted neighbor or friend, MayoClinic.com advises. Keep photographs and a log of any violent incidents as evidence for the police. If possible, create a false trail by calling schools and apartment rental companies in an area far from where you actually plan to locate. Leave your home phone number as a callback number, the National Domestic Violence Hotline suggests.
Obtain a restraining order from the courts and carry a certified copy with you at all times, the National Domestic Violence Hotline advises. If you stay in the home, change the locks install motion detection lights or an alarm system. Change your route to work and alert your supervisor and co-workers about your situation. Consider getting a post office box to list on court orders and other public documents. Also consider changing your children's schools to make it more difficult for your abuser to track you down. In extreme cases, the Social Security Administration will assign new Social Security numbers to victims of domestic violence and their children.
Children may make your escape more complicated. Abusive spouses may threaten to seek custody to keep you under control, the Woman's Justice Center warns. Once you escape, the court system may force you to provide contact information to your ex-partner as part of a visitation arrangement. Make sure the courts or your mediator are aware of current or past restraining orders and abuse.
References
- Chicago Tribune: One Woman's Struggle to Escape Abuse
- Social Security Administration: New Numbers For Domestic Violence Victims
- MayoClilnic.com: Domestic Violence Against Women -- Recognize Patterns, Seek Help
- Helpguide.org: Help for Abused and Battered Women
- Women's Justice Center: The Greatest Escape -- Special for Victims of Domestic Violence
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