Naturally, you want to be supportive of someone grieving the death of a loved one. Yet many people find themselves not knowing the right thing to do. They may have feelings about the deceased and feel incapable of consoling others. They may hang back for fear of saying the wrong thing. There are several ways to bring comfort to a grieving person to help them while allowing you to feel useful.
Features
The loss of a loved one is one of the most intense sorrows. Grief often manifests itself as a roller-coaster ride of emotions, ranging from sadness and crying to anger, guilt and remorse. It can play out as withdrawal, numbness and shock, and fear. On a physical level, grief can show up as loss of appetite, inability to sleep, tension and exhaustion. Knowing about or having experienced these symptoms yourself can help you convey to the grieving person that these disruptions of life are normal.
What To Do
Often, the most important thing to do is to make contact, either in person, by phone, mail or e-mail. Let the grieving person know you are there. Allow her to take the lead while you become an active listener. Pay close attention to whatever she needs to talk about and reassure her that whatever she feels is safe to express. Offer practical help, such as bringing something from the store, caring for pets, answering phone calls, or driving her somewhere. Don't let your support stop when the funeral is over. Continue to check in, phone, or send cards to let her know that you care. Offer special support at difficult times such as holidays and anniversaries.
What Not To Do
Don't avoid the grieving person. Even if you're uncomfortable, let him feel your support. Don't talk about your own losses or try to convince him that you know just how he feels. Grief is very individual and no two people grieve exactly alike. Don't ask for details of how the death happened. He will tell you if he wants you to know. In fact, he may want to talk about it repeatedly. Don't wax philosophical and say things such as, "just be grateful for the time you had together," "your loved one is at peace now," or "don't cry -- this will get better." Don't try to cheer him up or in any way minimize what he is going through.
What To Say
People often wonder what to say to a newly grieving person. Sometimes you should say nothing at all. Just sitting silently with someone may be the perfect thing to do. Offering a warm hug and saying something such as, "I'm here for you" can be very comforting. You could also say, "I'm sincerely sorry for your loss" and let her know you are available if she wants to talk. "You are in my thoughts and prayers" lets her know she is on your mind. Assure her you love her if your relationship is that close.
Considerations
In time, the feelings of sadness, confusion and disconnection should start to fade. According to Helpguide.org, if you notice a grieving person is having difficulty functioning, neglects personal hygiene, starts to abuse drugs or alcohol, or talks of dying or suicide, encourage him to seek professional help. Normal grieving may have turned into complicated grief or clinical depression.
